20 December 2008

Saturday Satire - Body Snatchers

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.

Then the thieves struck again. My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.

What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart
BTW - These same thieves come in my closet and shrank my clothes!
How do they do itHuh?

9 comments:

Elaine said...

These thieves are at work up here too.....

Fire Byrd said...

Fantastic post... still hooting as I write.
You'll have to get a stronger front door lock to keep them out! Oh and don't let the food police make you eat those chocs!!!

Rae!xx said...

You may very well have a point there, they are defintely moving in on me too surely but slowly....thanks for making me laugh on a Sat as usual though..xx

TheCrone said...

You bugger! You sent those thieves to Australia didn't you!!!

;)

Annette said...

Now I know who to blame!
Hilarious.

gemmak said...

Hilarious! I can't stop laughing....save for the fact that as a gymnast, small and never having had kids I was kind of complacent that 'it wouldn't happen to me'.....wrong! I noticed recently with horror, the beginnings of my very own thigh oatmeal effect!!! There is no escape! ;o)

Trixie said...

Yep, same theives have visited me.

But what hit me last night...was the bear...

You know...

the one who bangs you on the head, shits in your mouth, and steals or the money out of your wallet. He visits me nearly every weekend.

Kathy G said...

Too funny!

Are they your words, or borrowed from somewhere else? I'd like to pass it on, and make sure I give credit to the right person

Sage said...

Can't get any credit myself, for these words, they have been doing the rounds as long as I can remember usually by email, I save them up and post something satirical every Saturday as I think they are amusing. Please feel free to borrow and re-produce