30 March 2013

Saturday Satire : Chocolate Factory

My mate ended up trapped at his new job for 24 hours the other day there - told me working in a chocolate factory is downright dangerous

A whole shelf load of chocolate bars buried him up to the neck - I asked him why didn't he shout for help.

His response "I did - but everytime I shouted The Milky Bars Are On Me - the rest of the workforce just cheered!!!!"

23 March 2013

Saturday Satire : Chuckles

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
 
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
 
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
 
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.  It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

An Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

17 March 2013

St Patrick's Day

A day I celebrate, not for St Patrick but because it is my Dad's birthday. Today he would have been 82 years old and we would have gone out for a meal to celebrate the occasion, marked with a pint of Guinness.

Dad taught me to enjoy whiskey, I taught him the taste of Guinness was better than a pint of bitter. Of course we had to start off in Dublin for a long weekend, and then the following year we enjoyed a tn day jaunt from Cork to Galway and everywhere in between. We did the ring of Kerry, a farming museum, Connemara national park, kissing the Blarney Stone, Cobh and the infamous Jamieson's distillery visit. We got lost in Waterford, never did find the crystal factory, we met Elvis in Tipperary, but above all we got to meet so many people and enjoyed farmhouse hospitality that made this holiday so special and memorable.

Happy birthday Da xx

16 March 2013

Saturday Satire : Luck?

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

14 March 2013

New Wonder Drugs - soon available near you


Peptobimbo ...Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out, increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ...When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor ...Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ...When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ...Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... Can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ...Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ...When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

St. Mom's Wort ...Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering pre-schoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Anti-talksident ...A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ...Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ...When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Jack Asspirin ...Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. !!

09 March 2013

Busy, Busy, Busy

Sorry, my bad, I have been so busy at work recently that this blog has taken a back seat.

It is nice for me, as I am interested in what I am doing, so the days whizz by and then weekends are catch up time for me and the boys.. we try to cram a lot of stuff in to do as we have limited time during the week.

I brought a gps to try the sport of geocaching, it only cost me £10.00 and we have been having fun trying to pick up caches that are sometimes quite public...

I got the boys a couple of new toys, mainly for the beach, some kong toys on a rope so that I can throw them (and I am useless with just a tennis ball).. The long versions are quite heavy and not really pocket friendly, but the squeaker balls are a hit with the boys... my first practice saw me throw it over the fence into a neighbours garden; like a naughtly child, I had to face up and ask for my ball back with promises not to do it again.. luckily he has a sense of humour and with only a threat of making me stand in the corner if it happened again I was given the ball and rope back.

I had my annual observation at work, and was graded 2, never been lower than this in my teaching, 3&4 are considered to be in need of remedial work and 1 is for the hallowed ground of outstanding... me I try to do the best for my students, and haven't quite managed that elusive 1 (yet!). I definitely haven't given up trying though.

My line manager has been off after a knee op, and covering some of his work, as well as my own has been an interesting insight into how the department runs; not sure I want to be part of management again; been there, done that, and was glad to be an indian again.. but some of the things I have been asked to do have been good and interesting but I will still be glad to see C back.

Saturday Satire: The Hunt

Ralph and Norris went bear hunting in Montana. While Ralph stayed in the cabin, Norris went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. His rifle jammed, so he dropped it and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

Now Norris was pretty fleet of foot, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as Norris reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

Norris man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

23 February 2013

Saturday Satire : Einstein's Theory

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.

"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions.

Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

22 February 2013

Brrr from Cornwall

We shouldn't complain, but we do.. we brits love the weather it is a great talking point and even the papers enter in to the spirit of the very britishness of discussing the weather we are experiencing...

Yes some peopl will say, it's winter, it's snow ... get over it.. but currently with the siberian blast over us (including us on the far west of the country, no where is warm... even the cat disdains the outside preferring to stay inside in the warm and dry.

I have to say in the past few days I have noticed more wheezing from my chest than is usual, but then one of my asthma triggers is the cold and being up early and taking the dogs out before work I then have to stand and wait for a bus but I recognise it isn't going to last and soon spring will start to weaver her magic.

I looked back at the history reels of the winter of 1963, and we have nothing like that for which I am grateful... yards of snow, and I mean yards not feet.... from boxing day until late March... unbelievable and I don't know how they managed back then but they did.

12 February 2013

Sadness in Kernow

Trevor Grills, one of the Fisherman's Friends died yesterday following a tragic accident at Guildford at the weekend. I loved his rendition of the Last Leviathan and this poem by John Masefield perfectly sums up for me the life of a fisherman.


I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by

And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life
To the gull's way and the whale's way, where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.


To Trevor's family (and the fisherman's friends) my heartfelt sympathy, while at the moment the pain is very raw his memory will live long in his songs and the memories you have of him xx

09 February 2013

Saturday Satire : The Condom Factory

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama
was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

... "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!

I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico...."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK" ?

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested...

All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL

04 February 2013

Memories of Back of Beyond

I read another blog 'It happens in Cranfield' as this is where I used to live and it is one way of keeping in touch with what is going on at the back of beyond.

In one post, the author talks about the local dialect, and we have got into a discussion about the old Cranfield broad accent which I remember was spoken by my grandfather. The first time I really remember visting them was before we left for Malaya as our dog Lady was being rehomed with one of my Dad's cousins Cyril who lived in Brogbrough - unfortunately while we were out in Malaya, Lady was run over on the main road; I am not certain of the details.

My grandmother, or Nanna I think I called her was a lovely lady who before we left slipped a 10 shilling note to both me and my brother - I didn't realise at the time what this had probably cost her I just remember thinking how lucky I was - so shallow when I was young.

My grandad was a tall man, over 6ft tall and very thin and lanky. I remember him as being quite stern and mostly he ignored us.

It would be another 5 years before I saw him again, my Nanna had died while we were based in Germany and while Dad had flown back for her last days and funeral we had remained in Detmold.

On our return to the UK, we left in December and our new quarters were not available until January so we used our caravan to spend a few (rather frosty) weeks in on a campsite just up the road from Grandad. One evening we were detailed to spend an evening with him, while mum and dad went out somewhere.. and this is where it gets quite funny. I was 14 almost 15 and Zeltus was 16 going on 17 I think.

Grandad had a very broad accent, and neither Zeltus nor myself could make much sense of it. We used the tone of his voice to help us decide whether it was a question or a statement, if it were a question we used to guess at either Yes or No, and a statement we used to just nod and get him to continue.

This is how we managed to drink his entire stock of peach brandy (not the strong stuff) and make headway into the cherry brandy.. as his questions were presumably do you want a drink?... It was only later as an adult I thought about what he must have thought of us and realised we probably seemed dull of understanding, not realising there was a language barrier.

Dad when he came home was also a bit worse the wear for alcohol, Mum was driving so was probably the only one sober out of the three. Poor grandad came in for a bit of a verbal bashing, and never again did he offer us a drink, and gradually we came to understand more than one word in three.

Sadly, the strong accent seems to have died out completely, although pronunciation of village names has remained. The next village to Cranfield is Salford (not Salford as in nr Manchester) but a silent L means this is pronounced Safford... confusing to those not from the local area.

Living down here at the Edge of the World, I have learnt a whole new language and pronunciations and similar to the Back of Beyond what you see isn't always how it is said.