Christmas is Cancelled

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED!!
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS – OLD SANTA WAS PISSED.
HE CUSSED OUT THE ELVES AND THREW DOWN HIS LIST.
MISERABLE LITTLE BRATS, UNGRATEFUL LITTLE JERKS.
I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO SCRAP THE WHOLE WORKS.

...

I'VE BUSTED MY @SS FOR DAMN NEAR A YEAR.
INSTEAD OF "THANKS SANTA" – WHAT DO I HEAR?THE OLD LADY B*TCHES CAUSE I WORK LATE AT NIGHT…
THE ELVES WANT MORE MONEY – THE RE
INDEER ALL FIGHT.

RUDOLPH GOT DRUNK AND GOOSED ALL THE MAIDS.
DONNER IS PREGNANT AND VIXEN HAS AIDS.
AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THAT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER,THOSE @SSHOLES FROM IRS SENT ME A LETTER.

THEY SAY I OWE TAXES – IF THAT AIN'T DAMN FUNNY.
WHO IN THE HELL EVER SENT SANTA MONEY?AND THE KIDS THESE DAYS – THEY ALL ARE THE PITS.
THEY WANT THE IMPOSSIBLE…THOSE MEAN LITTLE SH*TS.

I SPENT A WHOLE YEAR MAKING WAGONS AND SLEDS,ASSEMBLING DOLLS…THEIR ARMS, LEGS AND HEADS,I MADE A TON OF YOYO'S – NO REQUEST FOR THEM…
THEY WANT COMPUTERS AND ROBOTS…THEY THINK I'M IBM.

FLYING THROUGH THE AIR…DODGING THE TREES,FALLING DOWN CHIMNEYS AND SKINNING MY KNEES.
I'M QUITTING THIS JOB…THERE'S JUST NO ENJOYMENT.
I'LL SIT ON MY FAT @SS AND DRAW UNEMPLOYMENT.

THERE'S NO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR…NOW YOU KNOW THE REASON…
I FOUND ME A BLONDE. I'M GOING SOUTH FOR THE SEASON!!!!

Saturday Satire : The advantages of being a female

1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. 7. Taxis stop for us. 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 27. We'll never regret piercing our ears. 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. 30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Saturday Satire : Writing

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Saturday Satire : The Badge

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with the old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there,"pointing to a field to his right.

The DEA officer virtually exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching in to his trousers pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed his badge to the rancher.
"See this badge! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish......On any land!
No questions asked and no answers given!
Have I made myself clear..... do you understand?"

The rancher nodded politely, apologised, and carried on doing his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gored before he reached safety.
The rancher threw down his tools, and ran to the fence yelling at the top of his lungs.

:
:
:
"YOUR BADGE, SHOW HIM YOUR FRIGGING BADGE......!!!!"

Saturday Satire : Shop Signs

Sign over a gynaecologist's office.
"Dr Jones, at your cervix."

In a podiatrist's office.
"Time wounds all heels."

On a septic tank truck.
"Yesterday's meals on wheels."

On a plumber's truck.
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another plumber's truck.
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a church's billboard.
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a tyre store.
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an electrician's truck.
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area.
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door.
"Push, push, push."

At an optometrist's office.
"If you don't see what you are looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's office.
"We really know our stuff."

On a fence.
"Salesmen welcome; dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership.
"The best way to get back on your feet---miss a car payment."

Outside a car exhaust store.
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a vet's waiting room.
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a restaurant window.
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and be fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral director.
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign at a radiator shop.
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of another septic tank truck.
"Caution---This vehicle is full of political promises."

Saturday Satire : The Text Message

A wife texted her husband at work.


Windows frozen at home, what should I do?

Reply. Try de-icer or hot water.

A few minutes later.

Done that, computer won't work at all now!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday Satire : A Scottish Romance

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently.
 

Finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?

With many thanks to SB who provided me with this joke

Saturday Satire : Italian Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me..It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my sister's wedding invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom.If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment... then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son....’

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

Saturday Satire : The Gynaecologist's Assistant

A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, He was very interested, so he went in and asked the Clerk for details.
The Clerk pulled up the file and read:

"This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out Of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving Foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub In soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination."

Then she told him "The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Manchester."

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".

She answered, "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is..."

Penzance

This morning was misty, and cool, as I headed down to Penzance for my normal teaching session at the College. It is one of the perks of my job to travel around the County of Cornwall to see students or to run sessions, and although it is less than it used to be in some ways you really appreciate it more.

I had some very good news on Wednesday, it doesn't start until Sunday but at long last the College have made my role permanent so no more worrying about the end of June and the contract needing to be renewed, now all I have to do is to persuade them that a few more hours a week would make all the difference. But it made for a nice present in time for my birthday - sigh another 21st birthday... that would make ... well let's not go into just how many years experience I have of being 21 :-)

I love this cake, doesn't he look charmingly angry lol although I have just an ordinary sponge cake, not iced and won't have any candles in... there would just not be enough cake to support all those candles :-)

I also had a card from both my nephew and my aunt, my nephew JP has moved to Yorkshire and we managed to lose contact with each other until January this year.. facebook can be quite useful at times.

This afternoon, when I get home I will get an enthusiastic greeting from the Pondboys and we will enjoy a long walk and a game of ball if it not too hot before settling down to a good film this evening and a glass of wine.

Saturday Satire : The Insemination Man

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
 
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently.
 
Then the man asks, "What' s the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."

Saturday Satire : The Yorkshire Loan

A Leeds man walks into a High Street bank & asks for a loan.

He tells the bank officer he is going to Australia on business for two weeks & needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Yorkshire lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book & everything checks out. 

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank manager then instructs an employee of the bank to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage, where he parks it.The bank manager & its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough-looking Yorkshireman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the £5,000 & the interest of £15.41.
The bank officer says to the Yorkshireman,
 
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, & this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled... While you were away, we checked you out further & found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000"?

The Yorkshireman replies: "Where else in Leeds can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 & expect it to be there when I return” 

Ah, the mind of a true Yorkshireman...
 
This is why they survive

Saturday Satire : The Girlfriend

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Arthur notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.

At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery.

Saturday Satire : The Baby Doctor

A woman carried a baby (who wouldn't stop crying) into the paediatrician's office.

She was shown into a room to wait for the doctor.

When he arrived, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, Is he breast fed or on the bottle?'

'Breast fed' she replied. 'Well, strip to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed he said, 'No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.'

'Naturally,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.'

Testing.. Testing...

Early this morning, Santa Clause formed up on Hanukkah Harry and his crew over B...affin island.

 

The operational altitude and cruise speed test flight was a complete success.

 

Elf maintainers feel confident that the sled will be within full operational parameters for next weeks round the world flight.

 

Minor on board Oxygen generation system issues continue to occur on the new sled, but it is expected that this issue will be resolved in time for the Christmas deployment.

 

 

Saturday Satire : Death on Christmas Eve

---

Three men men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets, pulling out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man seeing this, quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

Then the last man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


He replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas season begins......

Saturday Satire : A brief history of medicine

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Saturday Satire : The Brother in Law?

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a New York store.

Of course the store clerks, who were trained for such emergencies, called 911 and tended to the man when they saw him collapse. Paramedics soon arrived and rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

After a while, he awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he had been taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a weak and raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

"I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

At this the nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

"Perfect,” replied the patient, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Saturday Satire - Wot a Wupert!

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the lower ranks.

Saturday Satire - The Wise Old Dog

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the Hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is  and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?