Its started at the other side of the world ... so

2012 - a look back

As many of you know, 2012 didn't have a happy start with me finding out about the truth about my partner cheating on our relationship and it culminated in him going when I could prove it without a doubt. Previously he had lied to me, told me it was in my imagination and tried to put me down both generally, and emotionally.

In the midst of this, I had my last assignments to do for the PGCE. Needless to say, they were done, but not very well and I had to resubmit one or accept a lower award. Why is it when someone flings a challenge down I feel bound to accept it.. and on this occasion I won through and celebrated it by graduating at the end of October.

I learnt a lot about myself, I went to counselling sessions with a nice lady from Outlook South West and I can really recommend them to anyone in the same position. Turns out I was doing the right thing, setting myself small goals and challenges so the CBT therapy was the way to go.

My teaching I love, and is very rewarding. I enjoy engaging with the students, and there is enough admin to do to keep me happy on that front. I am working longer hours, but that also is good as it means I have been able to retain my independence without having to reliquish my privacy by having a lodger. Time is precious to me, and my task as soon as I get home is to take my lovely boys out for a walk, or run, or to play ball dependingon the weather and they are so pleased to see me.

I have also resurrected some hobbies, left because of time needed for study, knitting in particular and with the aid of SMOG have mastered the art of casting on thumbwise and cabling (not that I am very good at either to be honest) and the cold wet weather we have had has meant that I can catch up on my UFO's (unfinished objects). Somethings I have tried, and not succeeded at, but I will try again in the new year.

We had a quiet christmas, we didn't bother with a turkey, instead the boys and I (and Piran) indulged in a lovely leg of lamb which was recycled as a shepherds pie and am still enjoying as it will be in the freezer waiting for a cold wet night after work to be resurrected and heated up. I came to the conclusion, it is better to be alone, than to be with someone who makes you feel lonely and therefore I am happy that I am where I am today.

To 2013, I issue a challenge... whatever you throw at me buddy, throw it good and hard - it will give me a chance to hit it back even harder

Saturday Satire : The Bride

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Nadelik lowen ha blydhen nowydh da

Happy Christmas and a Good New Year to you all

Lots of peace, hope and joy xx

Extra Humour

A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks thevet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells himthat they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallowin the grass, when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into thewoods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for goodmeasure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drivethem out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the sheep, and uponreturning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No,"she says,"They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

Drive safely

Well, last weekend I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. 

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. 

 I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. !!

Saturday Satire : Dead Penguins

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
 
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and
sing: 

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Winter Solstice

Yet another turn of our world today, we start the long journey back to the longest day.

Yule

In the Northern hemisphere, the winter solstice has been celebrated for millenia. The Norse peoples viewed it as a time for much feasting, merrymaking, and, if the Icelandic sagas are to be believed, a time of sacrifice as well. Traditional customs such as the Yule log, the decorated tree and wassailing can all be traced back to Norse origins.
The Celts of the British Isles celebrated midwinter as well. Although little is known about the specifics of what they did, many traditions persist. According to the writings of Pliny the Elder, this is the time of year in which Druid Priests sacrificed a white bull and gathered mistletoe in celebration.

Winter festivals were also common in Greece and Rome, as well as in the British Isles. When a new religion called Christianity popped up, the new hierarchy had trouble converting the Pagans, and as such, folks didn't want to give up their old holidays.

Christian churches were built on old Pagan worship sites, and Pagan Symbols were incorporated into the symbolism of Christianity. Within a few centuries, the Christians had everyone worshipping a new holiday celebrated on December 25.

In some traditions of Wicca and Paganism, the Yule celebration comes from the Celtic legend of the battle between the young Oak King and the Holly King. The Oak King, representing the light of the new year, tries each year to usurp the old Holly King, who is the symbol of darkness. Re-enactment of the battle is popular in some Wiccan rituals.

RTFM

For those that remember the BOFH, this was one of his accronyms - RTFM.. it meant read the f*****g manual and anyone involved in IT support invariably comes across a moment when it is apparent that the user hasn't even read the basics and a big sigh will escape as you are going to have to explain it to them in simple enough terms that they might begin to see the light... if all else fails you might have to kill them (just kidding)

Dashing through the Snow

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. 

This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. 

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. 

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EU legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. 

It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Merry Christmas,

The Risk Management Team

Heroism

I have seen true heroism in those teachers who were killed trying to save their pupils, whether it be under the desk, in the cupboard or trying to shield the children from the killer.

So sad, that for 20 parents there will be an empty place at the table, presents with no child to unwrap and for loved ones pain of knowing their child was taken from them by someone who was unstable.

For the teachers, I am sure you will be remembered in years to come and hopefully there won't be another occasion for such a terrible sacrifice.

Lots of anger abound, but anger doesn't bring back anyone, nor does hatred. School should be a safe place, not a killing ground and guns/lnives should be never treated as weapons by or against children.. only then will they be safe

Saturday Satire : 70 Years of Marriage

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'

The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old git what it is

Saturday Satire : The Sons

Four old Catholic women sit and brag about their sons. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman says, "My incredibly handsome son is 6' 2 with broad, square shoulders, good manners and impeccable style. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God!'"

Care in the Community

I am not often given to rants, well not publicly anyway.

I was listening to the news on the radio this morning where they were discussing the state of hospitals and how so many beds are blocked by the elderly; the suggestion to solve the problem is easy, keep them in their own homes or community.

These are amongst the most fragile of our community, people who have served their country for years only to find out the golden promise of a caring NHS is to say you are occupying beds required for more important people than you.

Knowing a lot of the elderly, they will take it on the chin, not complain and die like good citizens relieving the country of the burden of paying pensions/winter fuel allowances for them and releasing a few beds for more deserving causes such as those who use the NHS as a fly-in service.

It might have had the reputation of being a caring service, and certainly when it was set up in the post war it was incredibly different to what had gone before, now we are reducing it to less than it was pre-NHS as relatives are working to pay the bills and won't be available when Mum/Dad/Uncle/Aunt have need of them and that is even if they live in the same location.. with house prices going up, sometimes they have to move miles away to get accommodation.

Stop paying the benefits to those people who have just come in, if they can't support themselves for the first year as they do in Australia then we shouldn't be supporting them either... put the money saved to create a first class NHS service which actively seeks to ensure we give a good quality of life from birth to death and don't take short cuts.

Get rid of some of the fat cats in the NHS, bring back real nurses not academic nurses.. I don't disagree that education is needed, but what is needed most is the care and compassion to actively provide care. I didn't see what the problem was with the old SEN/SRN system and having a degree doesn't make you a caring nurse, just an educated one and trust me Mrs Smith who at 87 just needs help to eat her lunch doesn't care if you have a string of qualifications, just that you have time for her.

Go on - tell me I am wrong.. please 

Christmas is Cancelled

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED!!
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS – OLD SANTA WAS PISSED.
HE CUSSED OUT THE ELVES AND THREW DOWN HIS LIST.
MISERABLE LITTLE BRATS, UNGRATEFUL LITTLE JERKS.
I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO SCRAP THE WHOLE WORKS.

...

I'VE BUSTED MY @SS FOR DAMN NEAR A YEAR.
INSTEAD OF "THANKS SANTA" – WHAT DO I HEAR?THE OLD LADY B*TCHES CAUSE I WORK LATE AT NIGHT…
THE ELVES WANT MORE MONEY – THE RE
INDEER ALL FIGHT.

RUDOLPH GOT DRUNK AND GOOSED ALL THE MAIDS.
DONNER IS PREGNANT AND VIXEN HAS AIDS.
AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THAT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER,THOSE @SSHOLES FROM IRS SENT ME A LETTER.

THEY SAY I OWE TAXES – IF THAT AIN'T DAMN FUNNY.
WHO IN THE HELL EVER SENT SANTA MONEY?AND THE KIDS THESE DAYS – THEY ALL ARE THE PITS.
THEY WANT THE IMPOSSIBLE…THOSE MEAN LITTLE SH*TS.

I SPENT A WHOLE YEAR MAKING WAGONS AND SLEDS,ASSEMBLING DOLLS…THEIR ARMS, LEGS AND HEADS,I MADE A TON OF YOYO'S – NO REQUEST FOR THEM…
THEY WANT COMPUTERS AND ROBOTS…THEY THINK I'M IBM.

FLYING THROUGH THE AIR…DODGING THE TREES,FALLING DOWN CHIMNEYS AND SKINNING MY KNEES.
I'M QUITTING THIS JOB…THERE'S JUST NO ENJOYMENT.
I'LL SIT ON MY FAT @SS AND DRAW UNEMPLOYMENT.

THERE'S NO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR…NOW YOU KNOW THE REASON…
I FOUND ME A BLONDE. I'M GOING SOUTH FOR THE SEASON!!!!

Saturday Satire : Dr Smith's Clinic

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months!

 To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning
ritual.
...

Frightened she might lose her lovely b00bs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?

'Yes I am... How did you know?'

He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock

Stress Management

Subject: an eight-step stress management technique. Just in case you've had a rough day, here is an eight-step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts.

Useful For :Stress Management;

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See? You're smiling already.

Saturday Satire : Blonde Thinking

Blonde was leaving her friends house in Gala last night - opened the door - seeing all the rain and flooding - friend says to Blonde - you must stay here tonight - wait a minute I'll go and make up the spare room! 

Half an hour later she came back down stairs to find her Blonde friend dripping wet "Why are you soaking wet?" Blonde replied "Aw - if we're having a sleepover I nipped home for my jammies!!!

Saturday Satire : Grandad

A woman in a supermarket happens upon a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that grandad has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, same for fruit, cereal and soft drinks in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy Edward, we won't be long. Easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears grandad calmly say, "It's okay, Edward. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."



At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the trolley, and grandad, again in a controlled voice, says, "Edward, Edward, relax, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, Edward."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where grandad is loading his shopping and the boy into the car. "You know, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Edward is very lucky to have you as his grandad."

"Thanks very much," said grandad, "but I'm Edward, the little so-and-so is called Jack."

I Wish...

that people would be kinder to others

that politicians would work together and unite in getting this country back on its feet

that the services, army, navy and raf would be respected not reviled

that fireworks would be only licenced for the few days around November 5th

that drivers would be more careful around other road users, particularly motorcycles

that the homeless would be able to get shelter

that the emergency services would be treated with respect, forget the prank calls it could be someone's life

that the elderly be given the care and help they need, so they don't go cold and hungry

that for one day a year we respect the fallen of previous conflicts and the sacrifice they made so that we might be able to speak freely
.
.
.
what would you add?

Why are they selling Poppies Mummy?
Selling poppes in town today,
The poppies, child, are flowers of love
for those brave men who marched away

But why have they chosen a poppy, Mummy?
Why not a beautiful rose?
Because my child, men fought and died
In the fields where the poppies grow.

But why are the poppies so red, Mummy?
Why are the poppies so red?
Red is the colour of blood, my child,
The blood that our soldiers shed.

The heart of the poppy is black Mummy.
Why does it have to be black?
Black, my child, is the symbol of grief
for the men who never came back.

But why, Mummy, are you crying so?
Your tears are giving you pain.
My tears are my fears for you my child,
For the world is forgetting again.

(Author unknown)

Saturday Satire : Three Convicts

Three convicts - an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman, were on their way to prison.

They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, the Scotsman turned to the Englishman and said, "So pal - whadda bring with yer?"

The Englishman pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted tobecome the "Picasso of Prison". Then he asked the Scotsman, "So, my good man -what did you bring?"

The Scotsman pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The Irish convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and the Englishman asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The Irishman pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...............

FSID

A very good cause, and you can find out more details here :

a friend of mine fundraises for this charity and has a number of items on ebay to raise funds, see here

I think it is a wonderful cause, and would love you all to support it by looking at the items and perhaps bidding on one or two..

a paperclip, just an ordinary silver paperclip went for over £5.00 and the lovely items on here are too nice to sell for less than this and many of them could be your christmas presents to others this year.

Hopefully you will support it as the auction items end tomorrow,

Saturday Satire : The Contractor

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.
 
 Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. 

 

Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"!

 

 The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! 

 

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying a lawn across the street."

Skyfall

Skyfall is where we start
A thousand miles and poles apart
When worlds collide, and days are dark
You may have my number, you can take my name
But you'll never have my heart

Let the sky fall, when it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

(C) lyrics by Adele

I went to the cinema last night to see the new James Bond movie Skyfall. My mum used to be a big fan of the films but I could take or leave them; despite my love for Sean Connery.

But then came Daniel Craig, Casino Royale and then Quantum of Solace and now Skyfall.. no more playing for humour he is hard, dark and muscular and human, most important human. You begin to see behind the character to the real James Bond, what drives him and why he is good at what he does. No stiff upper lip for him, he is brutal and tough yet tender at times and the gratuitous sex scenes (Pierce Brosnan, Roger Moore) are few which makes this more up to date.

I loved this new film, came away looking forward to many more opportunities to spend with my new hero, and hoping that he never tires of the role.

Not giving away any of the outcomes of the film, just in case you wondered. If you want to know what happens then you need to go and see it and I may well treat myself to another viewing at some point in time

Teacher's Pet?

Graduation Day - 26th October 2012 

Truro Cathedral

Post Graduate Certificate in Education

Saturday Satire : The Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance

back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"You'll need to get in line."

Prescription Fee Increases

The General Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister's prescription fee increase.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it . The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London!

Oh Momentous Day (actually Night)

Tomorrow is graduation day (well night, it is at 7.45 at Truro Cathedral and I will be graduating as a Post Graduate Certificate in Teaching in the Lifelong Sector (could teach in schools now but don't think I want to)

It is, and despite the past 8 months, the culmination of my ambition to retrain as a teacher. With lots of support from everyone except my ex-partner, I have achieved my goal, my mentor and my tutor ensured I had support (and pressure) to do the assignments and while I may not have achieved a distinction or merit it is enough to have achieved the qualification.

My Graduation Speech

Along the way I have found that I enjoy teaching Maths, yep me who was deemed an imbecile at school and relegated to the commercial calculations class rather than the more academic o levels and I like it when students pass their course and their qualifications and say thank you... I tell them not me, you did the hard work, I was only your tour guide.

ICT has always been a love of mine, from 1982 when I met my first computer I was head over heels in love.. besotted by technology and seduced by gadgets.. they will always feature in my life.. watching students master the skills to gain a driving licence (yes, I know it bugs me, cars you drive computers you operate hence the old name computer operators)..

and then to English, I have fun with this part, my love of words and language stand me in good stead and I have endless opportunities to pass this on to my students from ice breakers using spellings, and games with letters it all helps to engage them in using this long and very mixed up language to serve them well in their future careers.

Am I in the right job, yes wholeheartedly yes, and I wished I had known it sooner but I haven't wasted my life or love of the skills and will not do so in the future.

I wish my Dad particularly could be here to see this, he was very proud of me when I got my first degree and sad that I chose not to graduate (too impersonal to me) so tomorrow night will be for him and for my Mum who taught me so much about how to teach - not that I knew it at the time...

To all those who supported me, and those that did not, I thank you... sometimes I begrudged it at the time but looking back on it I see it now as important.

.. and onward I will go 

Belated Saturday Satire : The Bus Crash

A bus load of Politicians were driving down a country road in Scotland when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the MPs.

A few days later, the local Police came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them MPs exagerate."

50 Shades of Grey

A husbands view

The missus bought a Paperback
...down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look inside her bag;
....T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
.....I must dominate !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.

Long Walk

Today was the day for a long walk with the boys, the sun was shining but the wind is cold...

I needed time to think over a decision, and once made, it was set in stone.

I have told the ex he has to move everything out from the garage that belongs to him.... he will have to find storage over at his new location, and I am closing the door with regret.

Why regret? you can't help but think it should have worked, but I knew last christmas that it was drawing to a close, his card to me was simply dear partner.... I could have cried, no more the card to the one I love or my fiance.. I was relegated to partner and from then on in it was downhill to the final exit as by then he had met the one he was planning to be with.

I wished I had tackled it sooner, to have forced an answer out of him, but whenever I had tried to do it in the past he had turned it back to me with 'you are imagining it' so perhaps it was better the way it ended with someone else finding out about the other woman and throwing her out which left her free to be with him.

I no longer feel angry with him, nor with her either. Just sad that after four years I still never really knew him nor think I ever will understand him.

In the meantime, I have my three boys, a good job and live in a lovely part of the world and some very, very good friends who make me laugh, support me, teach me how to cast on thumbwise and cableknit... I don't plan on going anywhere fast and am enjoying being single again, possibly forever now; but I don't know what the future holds, nor would I want to, somethings are best left to explore.

Saturday Satire : The Bog

Paddy the Groom was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.

After two more unsuccessful attempts, Micksaid to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick!

D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

Saturday Satire : Jobs

Paddy and Mick worked together in a textile mill and both were laid off, so they went to the Job Centre to see about getting unemployment benefit.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sews the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."


The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitter was classed as a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out what Mick was getting he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitcher's are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties. Mick puts them over his head and says:

Saying - "Yep, diesel fitter!"

At last!

October has arrived and with it the freedom to take the Pond Boys down on to the beach. Previously we have been banned from 7am to 7pm and it has been hard to look at a sunny days and not want to spend it on the beach with my best friends but restricted we have been.

First chance we get, we will be down to enjoy the beach at Hayle on the Towans as on my charity walk I saw some lovely sand and the boys will love running around on that.

The joys of Autumn bring with it the freedom.

Saturday Satire : The New Priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest then suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest concludes, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

Warning : Male Humour

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some hair remover (veet) as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good”

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.....

Memories of childhood

I can remember as a child, helping my nan wind wool from a skein to a ball for knitting.. it usually involved holding the skein between your arms and constantly being reminded to keep the tension up... I didn't mind (usually) as the treat afterwards sometimes involved a very sticky treat in the form of chocolate fridge cake something I still make these days though less often.

My nan was a crafty woman, she could turn out fine crochet, knit intricate patterns and make her own clothes... born in 1897, she saved string from parcels to resuse and brown paper to make patterns where appropriate.. I wish I had half her talents.

I remember having one of these as a child, perhaps not politically correct these days, but having persuaded mum to buy robertsons jam just to collect the badges, it was fun to see the knitted versions.

I brought this pattern on Saturday afternoon, when I walked into Redruth to see the pasty festival .. it was nice to see the town so busy for a change.

Daylight robbery then ensued as I was charged 25p for the privilege of owning a pattern I am not sure I could make even as a reminder of days gone by.

Sunday, being wet, was spent knitting, something I have taken up since I passed my course, but already I am regretting not having anything to do with my mind ;-)

Saturday Satire : Scottish Biker

A Scots Biker walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in
the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?" 

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a auld veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!

Cornish Pasty Festival

Cornish Pasty Festival

The town of Redruth is hosting a three day Pasty festival starting later today, all day tomorrow and finishing with a walk and church service on Sunday.. looks like it is going to be good weather so I will be going to the sale of the Miner's wife this afternoon.

This was based on a true tale, he sold his wife to fund going abroad for work when mining in Cornwall was declining; many miners went to Australia, Canada and even Argentina and have strong links with their homeland.

The humble pasty no longer is just a lunchtime snap but a heritage piece and rightly so has protected status.. to be a Cornish pasty, it has to be made in Cornwall.

I found out something interesting about Uncle Charlie

My great uncle charles was killed during the first world war. No one knew any details, all the paperwork had been given to a cousin after his mother died and that was lost without a trace.

Dad and I had always wanted to find out more about him, where he died, and any other information.

Someone kindly offered to visit Kew for me and to find any records relating to him... and found that someone 'borrowed' his identity after he was killed which we believe to be in Hellas in 1915. I will scan the document in which relates to this other man and the notes I have on him.. but I for one am fascinated to think that this could occur in wartime.

A Poem

When tomorrow starts without me
And I’m not here to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me

I wish you wouldn’t cry
The Way you did today
While thinking of the many things
We did not get to say

I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
Each time that you think of me
I know you will miss me too

When tomorrow starts with out me
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand

The angel said my place was ready
In heaven far above
And That I would have to leave behind
All those I Dearly Love

But When I walked through Heaven’s Gates
I felt so much at home
When GOD looked down and smiled at me
From his golden throne

He said This Is Eternity
And All I promised you
Today for life on earth is done
But Here it starts a new

I promise no tomorrow
For today will always last
And Since each day’s the exact same way
There is no longing for the past

So When Tomorrow starts without me
Do not think we’re apart
For every time you think of me
Remember I’m right here in your heart

Rob Mason

What if?

Now...what if MEN got PREGNANT!

~ Maternity leave would last for two years....with full pay.

~There would be a cure for stretch marks.

~Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

~Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

~All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

~Children would be kept in the hospital until potty trained.

~Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

~They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

~Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

~Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

~They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

~Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

~Women would rule the world.

Saturday Satire : Sound Advice

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem.

"I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."

 "Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.

"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."

"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"

Grand Day Out - Coming soon

Its official lol

BTW this ticket is reserved for a good friend who will be cheering me on throughout .. picture will be sure to follow - not that I am sure you are ready for that lol

5 mile trek round the dunes

Yesterday, the Pond Boys and I walked 5 miles along the dunes of Hayle towards Gwithian and Godrevy in aid of the Cornwall Hospice group... while I have never had the pleasure (nor would I want) to experience their work first hand I think it is a worthwhile cause.

Having registered beforehand, having only found out about it last week, we arrived at Hayle and collected our free water and map and then set off at 2.30pm on the walk... a few tricky places, like when the path went vertically down but all you had to do was take a step and wait for the sand to stop before you took another.. it was more important to make sure the dogs took it steady and didn't pull me over.

We stopped briefly at the half-way point to give the dogs some water from a kind marshall, and then it was on the return stretch back to Hayle...

We arrived back at the venue, after just 2 hours, with some very tired dogs, Murphy in particular seemed very foot sore and in need of a biscuit which he cadged off the nice ladies doing teas and coffees...

Last night they were too tired for games, we had a quiet evening and today I am still feeling a few muscles mainly in my shoulders but that could be due to the rucksack I was carrying bags and extra water in for the dogs. I was also shattered, but am going to sign up for it again next year and hope to raise more than the £20 I did this year.

Deep Thought(s)

Having just completed the PGCE you think I would be quite content to do nothing academic for a while wouldn't you...

I would, but my little brain cell is whirring around in that big ole lonely space wondering what else to do with the mass of storage space now available to me...

Well, a little internet searching of my old uni (the Open University) has revealed a number of different courses I could do and I have seen an MA in Online and Distance Learning...

Groan... I am sure I said never again, but I have a suspicion that anything learnt would be good for me and it would either be that or Plymouth Uni... Oh I am so torn ...

Saturday Satire : The advantages of being a female

1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. 7. Taxis stop for us. 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 27. We'll never regret piercing our ears. 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. 30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

September Sunshine

Today I am off, just for today. Don't Panic! I ordered sunshine especially as I am going to meet a friend for a coffee and  a chat... I am helping her to learn crochet and have a couple of knitting projects on the go that she is going to help me with too...

Then it will be back to put out the second lot of ironing washing sorry.. ironing comes later on actually I will confess something to you all now.. I enjoy ironing

Yup, I said it, that's right up with I have a chocolate addiction lol

Later on, I will cut the grass short, to take advantage of the later afternoon sunshine while the boys get in my way.. Piran is now allowed out in the garden and he is usually found stalking the pond boys before pouncing on them.. bless them they seem to just understand he is a baby and is playing so it is funny to watch.

Love to you all, off to see the sunshine and enjoy my day xx

Using Buses

With limited parking available at work, I am using the park and ride service and some of the more interesting snippets of conversations have me in stitches during the short journey to work.

One particular day, after the hospital drop off where most people get off, sat down in front of me and discussed how they had heard two women talking about how one had no money but had just booked a holiday, brought a car etc... and they were being scathing about her managing her money and what a low level conversation it had been.

I was then treated to a diatribe about how much work they had to do that day, one having to make a site visit which would involve mud and dealing with as they put it 'workmen' in a sarcastic tone.. while the other one commiserated with him.

Which of the conversations would I rather have listed too, neither to be honest... and whilst it is interesting to see how others see the world around them, I wonder whether society has changed so much that only the negative aspects show in people's conversation.

What do you think?

I am going to have longer on the buses from now on, as I am going to enjoy catching a bus from Redruth to Truro thus avoiding using the car for most of the month. I worked out the costings and also times and I will save money by purchasing an annual ticket through the college. It used to take me 20 mins to the park and ride and a further 20 mins + depending on traffic or I can take a bus from Redruth direct to Truro for 35 mins... no contest really and means more kindle time or even knitting time ...

Did I mention I have taken up knitting and set myself a challenge to learn to knit cable... watch this space ...

A Decade on

Ten years ago today, I lost my Dad. We were on holiday down in Cornwall and had planned to go to the Eden Project. After a busy day, touring Mousehole, and Penzance way we had a light tea and he went to bed at about 9.30pm, not unusual as the dogs were awake at 6am for a walk.

This particular morning, I woke first, let the dogs out into the garden and called out did he want a cup of tea. No answer, and with a tight feeling in my stomach I went into his room.

He was lying on his back, his left hand on top of the quilt. He looked as though he were asleep but I knew better.. sometime during the early hours of that morning he had slipped the earthly bounds and left behind the shell.

I knew he would have been happy at the manner of his passing, but not the timing. He wouldn't deliberately have chosen to leave me 300 miles away from home with no-one around, but the gentleness of his passing was joyous to me. After Mum had died ten years previously, he had always said he wanted to go quickly and I believe he had his wish.

A blur of police and questions later, I was allowed to go home and set off back to the Back of Beyond.. I had two elderly jack russells to keep me company and it wasn't until I got to within two miles of the house I felt the tears start.

My brother Zeltus was there to meet me, as were neighbours and yet I felt as though Dad was not that far away from me in spirit. The polytunnel was his domain, and sometimes I felt that if I turned quickly I would see him working with his beloved plants.

Ten years on, things have changed, it took me 6 years after his death to come back to Cornwall and to visit the Eden Project and I fell in love with Portreath and Redruth... another two years and I was living here and yet I think Dad would have approved.. A visit from my Uncle Peter last November allowed me to talk about the maternal side of my family with him and helped to explain much of what I knew of my grandfather...I have an offer anytime I like to visit them in Australia and I hope very much to do so.

To Dad, I still miss you daily, but somehow you have passed along your green fingers to me for fuschias and I have started my collection... Love you xx

Introducing Piran

When I moved to Cornwall, originally I was going to have two cats, Piran and Saffy but when I finally got Tre Agan, Piran had gone walkabout and Saffy wasn't allowed to come on his own. So no pets until a month later when Murphy came to stay. Then 9 months later, Jasper arrived.. no there is no relationship or pregnancies involved in the occurrence.

Something was missing though, and both Jasper and Murphy were both very keen on cats, keen as in chasing them if they had half a chance.. Jasper being the worst of the two almost pulling me over.

August arrived, and with it this little chap, also called Piran as he is mainly black with a white heart patch on his chest... what else could I call him, and he is rescued from feral communities.. sadly for him, he has already had his nuts removed before I got him, but that is a good thing with a male cat. He spend the first two days hiding in the study (his den) and then introduced himself to Murphy who as usual was so laid back as to be horizontal. An introduction to Jasper was made behind the stairgate and didn't go terribly well - was I making a huge mistake?

Then on 23rd August, he casually walked downstairs, sat on the dining room table and surveyed his kingdom and two black labs - I picked him up and sat on the sofa with him and Piran fell asleep on his back... Jasper was curious but nothing more after that the household has settled down and now it looks as though they are good buddies.

Piran loves snuggling up to the dogs bellies, Jasper is more obliging that Murphy on this, and they are often found in the same bed. Peace reigns (or Piran) at Tre Agan.

Saturday Satire : Writing

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

An Apology and Thank you

First of all I would like to apologise for disappearing on you all.. it wasn't intended to be such a long sojourn and I didn't mean to worry any of you.

I was kept extremely busy trying to finish off my Post Graduate Certificate of Education, which involved lots of research and reading up on various different subjects, none of which was particularly interesting; but it was all very necessary.

I have now finished, and received the news today that I have passed my course and can no longer hide behind the title of trainee teacher.. nope the real thing now applies. I just have to jump through a few more hoops to become a nationally recognised teacher and qualify for teaching not only in further education but also in schools (though not likely I'm afraid).

It has been a long two years since I started on this path, and not being a natural student (trust me, I'm not) it hasn't been easy and the changes to my personal life earlier this year mean't it was more difficult to apply myself but thanks to support from my tutor and nagging coaching from my mentor I achieved my aim and will be graduating from Plymouth University on 27th October.

The ceremony will be at Truro Cathedral, so no excuses now for not going and while I would love for all of you to come, I am only allowed two guests and very kindly a very good friend, who has been there for me has agreed to come along as my supporter for which I am very grateful.

So, sorry to say, normal service has now been resumed and Saturday Satire will be back tomorrow as will I.

xxxx

Saturday Satire : Punnies

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too

Saturday Satire : The Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milk-man to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milk-man read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milk-man said, “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”

The milk-man asked, “Do you want it Pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes.”

Saturday Satire : The Badge

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with the old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there,"pointing to a field to his right.

The DEA officer virtually exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching in to his trousers pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed his badge to the rancher.
"See this badge! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish......On any land!
No questions asked and no answers given!
Have I made myself clear..... do you understand?"

The rancher nodded politely, apologised, and carried on doing his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gored before he reached safety.
The rancher threw down his tools, and ran to the fence yelling at the top of his lungs.

:
:
:
"YOUR BADGE, SHOW HIM YOUR FRIGGING BADGE......!!!!"

Schedules

Sorry life has been a bit hectic at late.. blame it on :

pick the most appropriate excuse you think you believe

a) enormous amount of work on
b) enormous amount of PGCE assignment work required
c) lack of ideas
d) facebook



Actually it is all of them... which makes me even more of a bad excuse lol

Tolerance

I was not surprised to see Usain Bolt being accused of letting his 'side' down by dating a non-black woman in yesterday's papers. Inter-race relationships are frowned upon in nearly every country whether you are black, white, asian, arab, muslim, hindu, sikh or jew (apologies if I have left anyone out) ... the need to 'keep' the lines true come through clearly in some of the quotes in the Bolt article.

But why, surely it is the personality not the colour that is important to the people involved that's who they fall in love with not a checklist of will my friends approve, frankly if your friends don't approve then perhaps they are not really your friends at all!

Tolerance is needed, not intolerance. To fall in love is good, and to find the man/woman of your dreams sublime no matter what race, religion or colour; if you can accept it then so should others not judge you.

Usain, good luck for the olympics

Saturday Satire : Shop Signs

Sign over a gynaecologist's office.
"Dr Jones, at your cervix."

In a podiatrist's office.
"Time wounds all heels."

On a septic tank truck.
"Yesterday's meals on wheels."

On a plumber's truck.
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another plumber's truck.
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a church's billboard.
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a tyre store.
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an electrician's truck.
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area.
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door.
"Push, push, push."

At an optometrist's office.
"If you don't see what you are looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's office.
"We really know our stuff."

On a fence.
"Salesmen welcome; dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership.
"The best way to get back on your feet---miss a car payment."

Outside a car exhaust store.
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a vet's waiting room.
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a restaurant window.
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and be fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral director.
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign at a radiator shop.
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of another septic tank truck.
"Caution---This vehicle is full of political promises."

Experiemental tray bake recipe

I had a moment of experimentation today in the kitchen. A friend who suffers from gallstones and is on a lowfat, lowsugar diet wanted/craved something sweet. So I decided to have a bash at finding something even she can enjoy and after talking to her about what she could/couldn't include I have come up with the following.



Rosie's Recipe
75g Oats
100g Wholemeal flour - or Riceflour
1tsp baking powder
pinch of salt
Chopped apricots
1 chopped apple (peeled and cored)
2 mashed bananas
1 dsstsp dried milk
3 tbls olive oil
2 tbls honey (can be replaced by apple puree)
1/2 tsp cinnamon

put all the dry ingredients in a bowl including the chopped fruit, mash up the bananas in a separate bowl and warm the oil and honey up on the cooker - not too hot.

once the oil and honey are more liquid add it and the banana to the dried mix and stir well.. you could add linseed at this stage if you so wanted.

I put plain chocolate drops on the top, but you can ignore this one if you like.

Turn into a silicone baking tray and put in the oven at Gas Mark 5 for 30 mins..

Leave in the tray to cool before cutting into slices and enjoy.

These originally started out as cookies but I decided to carry on experimenting and make it a tray bake but small drops on a tray would probably be nice and would take a lot less cooking.

Saturday Satire : The Text Message

A wife texted her husband at work.


Windows frozen at home, what should I do?

Reply. Try de-icer or hot water.

A few minutes later.

Done that, computer won't work at all now!!!!!!!!!!!

The Dandelion - not just a weed

The official flower of the MILITARY child is the Dandelion.

Why? 

The plant puts down roots almost anywhere, and it's almost impossible to destroy. It's an unpretentious plant, yet good looking. It's a survivor in a broad range of climates. 

Military children bloom everywhere the winds carry them. They are hardy and upright. Their roots are strong, cultivated deeply in the culture of the military,......... planted swiftly and surely. 

They're ready to fly in the breezes that take them to new adventures, new lands, and new friends.
 
Experts say that MILITARY children are well-rounded, culturally aware, tolerant, and extremely resilient. 

MILITARY children have learned from an early age that home is where their hearts are, that a good friend can be found in every corner of the world and in every color, and that education doesn't only come from school. 

They live history. They learn that to survive means to adapt, that the door that closes one chapter of their life opens up to a new and exciting adventure full of new friends and new experiences.

I am definitely a Dandelion child

Decisions, Decisions

Max, my motorbike has been sitting quietly in the garage but with one thing and another the weather, or the amount of work I have I haven't been out as much as I would have liked this year - personal situation and upheaval hasn't helped and I have to make a long term decision about whether to keep him and deal with the costs or to bite the bullet and pass him on to someone who will be able to look after him and ride him like he deserves.

With the economy the way it is and the increases in petrol, I am having to justify each and every journey in the car never mind the motorbike.. although the job changes afoot at my location mean that parking is going to be even harder may provoke me into using the bike rather than the car for work - that or use the park and ride scheme.

Unlike the Back of Beyond, the nearest meeting here at the Edge of the World is about 80 miles away and infrequently too; with many events requiring longer rides which while I don't mind riding alone I also have to think about the Pond Boys too.

One option is the Helston Bike Night which is on a Thursday.. it is local, I will get to meet fellow bikers and perhaps make new friends..

Decisions, Decisions....

Complaint about Godolphin House

I received a typical response to my initial complaint, yes we have received it and passed it onto the local team to reply but in the meantime accept our apologies.

I have since then received a more thorough response from the manager at Godolphin House who has nicely apologised for the incident and has stated that he will ensure that the volunteers concerned discuss membership appropriately. He has also offered by means of compensation a personal tour of the house with him and I hope to take this up in the near future as I was disappointed with the last visit and don't like unhappy memories.

Comments from Police Officers

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

“You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
“If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”
“Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
“I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….

“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

Sunday fun - insurance claims

"I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way.." (Thanks M Robson)

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.." (Thanks N Bradley)

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - Thanks N Shepherd)

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.) (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)

The English comedian Jasper Carrott has used funny insurance claims in his stand-up act for a long time, including some featured above. Here are three others, kindly suggested by Andrew Moignard.

"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."

"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."

"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."

"A house hit my car." (A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend's car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.) (Thanks Ben Keirnan)