29 September 2012

Saturday Satire : The New Priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest then suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest concludes, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

26 September 2012

Warning : Male Humour

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some hair remover (veet) as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good”

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.....

24 September 2012

Memories of childhood

I can remember as a child, helping my nan wind wool from a skein to a ball for knitting.. it usually involved holding the skein between your arms and constantly being reminded to keep the tension up... I didn't mind (usually) as the treat afterwards sometimes involved a very sticky treat in the form of chocolate fridge cake something I still make these days though less often.

My nan was a crafty woman, she could turn out fine crochet, knit intricate patterns and make her own clothes... born in 1897, she saved string from parcels to resuse and brown paper to make patterns where appropriate.. I wish I had half her talents.

I remember having one of these as a child, perhaps not politically correct these days, but having persuaded mum to buy robertsons jam just to collect the badges, it was fun to see the knitted versions.

I brought this pattern on Saturday afternoon, when I walked into Redruth to see the pasty festival .. it was nice to see the town so busy for a change.

Daylight robbery then ensued as I was charged 25p for the privilege of owning a pattern I am not sure I could make even as a reminder of days gone by.

Sunday, being wet, was spent knitting, something I have taken up since I passed my course, but already I am regretting not having anything to do with my mind ;-)

22 September 2012

Saturday Satire : Scottish Biker

A Scots Biker walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in
the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?" 
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a auld veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!

21 September 2012

Cornish Pasty Festival

Cornish Pasty Festival

The town of Redruth is hosting a three day Pasty festival starting later today, all day tomorrow and finishing with a walk and church service on Sunday.. looks like it is going to be good weather so I will be going to the sale of the Miner's wife this afternoon.

This was based on a true tale, he sold his wife to fund going abroad for work when mining in Cornwall was declining; many miners went to Australia, Canada and even Argentina and have strong links with their homeland.

The humble pasty no longer is just a lunchtime snap but a heritage piece and rightly so has protected status.. to be a Cornish pasty, it has to be made in Cornwall.

18 September 2012

I found out something interesting about Uncle Charlie

My great uncle charles was killed during the first world war. No one knew any details, all the paperwork had been given to a cousin after his mother died and that was lost without a trace.

Dad and I had always wanted to find out more about him, where he died, and any other information.

Someone kindly offered to visit Kew for me and to find any records relating to him... and found that someone 'borrowed' his identity after he was killed which we believe to be in Hellas in 1915. I will scan the document in which relates to this other man and the notes I have on him.. but I for one am fascinated to think that this could occur in wartime.

17 September 2012

A Poem

When tomorrow starts without me
And I’m not here to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me

I wish you wouldn’t cry
The Way you did today
While thinking of the many things
We did not get to say

I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
Each time that you think of me
I know you will miss me too

When tomorrow starts with out me
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand

The angel said my place was ready
In heaven far above
And That I would have to leave behind
All those I Dearly Love

But When I walked through Heaven’s Gates
I felt so much at home
When GOD looked down and smiled at me
From his golden throne

He said This Is Eternity
And All I promised you
Today for life on earth is done
But Here it starts a new

I promise no tomorrow
For today will always last
And Since each day’s the exact same way
There is no longing for the past

So When Tomorrow starts without me
Do not think we’re apart
For every time you think of me
Remember I’m right here in your heart

Rob Mason

16 September 2012

What if?

Now...what if MEN got PREGNANT!

~ Maternity leave would last for two years....with full pay.

~There would be a cure for stretch marks.

~Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

~Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

~All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

~Children would be kept in the hospital until potty trained.

~Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

~They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

~Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

~Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

~They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

~Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

~Women would rule the world.

15 September 2012

Saturday Satire : Sound Advice

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem.

"I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."

 "Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.

"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."

"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"

14 September 2012

Grand Day Out - Coming soon

Its official lol

BTW this ticket is reserved for a good friend who will be cheering me on throughout .. picture will be sure to follow - not that I am sure you are ready for that lol

10 September 2012

5 mile trek round the dunes

Yesterday, the Pond Boys and I walked 5 miles along the dunes of Hayle towards Gwithian and Godrevy in aid of the Cornwall Hospice group... while I have never had the pleasure (nor would I want) to experience their work first hand I think it is a worthwhile cause.

Having registered beforehand, having only found out about it last week, we arrived at Hayle and collected our free water and map and then set off at 2.30pm on the walk... a few tricky places, like when the path went vertically down but all you had to do was take a step and wait for the sand to stop before you took another.. it was more important to make sure the dogs took it steady and didn't pull me over.

We stopped briefly at the half-way point to give the dogs some water from a kind marshall, and then it was on the return stretch back to Hayle...

We arrived back at the venue, after just 2 hours, with some very tired dogs, Murphy in particular seemed very foot sore and in need of a biscuit which he cadged off the nice ladies doing teas and coffees...

Last night they were too tired for games, we had a quiet evening and today I am still feeling a few muscles mainly in my shoulders but that could be due to the rucksack I was carrying bags and extra water in for the dogs. I was also shattered, but am going to sign up for it again next year and hope to raise more than the £20 I did this year.

09 September 2012

Deep Thought(s)

Having just completed the PGCE you think I would be quite content to do nothing academic for a while wouldn't you...

I would, but my little brain cell is whirring around in that big ole lonely space wondering what else to do with the mass of storage space now available to me...

Well, a little internet searching of my old uni (the Open University) has revealed a number of different courses I could do and I have seen an MA in Online and Distance Learning...

Groan... I am sure I said never again, but I have a suspicion that anything learnt would be good for me and it would either be that or Plymouth Uni... Oh I am so torn ...

08 September 2012

Saturday Satire : The advantages of being a female

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. 

06 September 2012

September Sunshine

Today I am off, just for today. Don't Panic! I ordered sunshine especially as I am going to meet a friend for a coffee and  a chat... I am helping her to learn crochet and have a couple of knitting projects on the go that she is going to help me with too...

Then it will be back to put out the second lot of ironing washing sorry.. ironing comes later on actually I will confess something to you all now.. I enjoy ironing

Yup, I said it, that's right up with I have a chocolate addiction lol

Later on, I will cut the grass short, to take advantage of the later afternoon sunshine while the boys get in my way.. Piran is now allowed out in the garden and he is usually found stalking the pond boys before pouncing on them.. bless them they seem to just understand he is a baby and is playing so it is funny to watch.

Love to you all, off to see the sunshine and enjoy my day xx

04 September 2012

Using Buses

With limited parking available at work, I am using the park and ride service and some of the more interesting snippets of conversations have me in stitches during the short journey to work.

One particular day, after the hospital drop off where most people get off, sat down in front of me and discussed how they had heard two women talking about how one had no money but had just booked a holiday, brought a car etc... and they were being scathing about her managing her money and what a low level conversation it had been.

I was then treated to a diatribe about how much work they had to do that day, one having to make a site visit which would involve mud and dealing with as they put it 'workmen' in a sarcastic tone.. while the other one commiserated with him.

Which of the conversations would I rather have listed too, neither to be honest... and whilst it is interesting to see how others see the world around them, I wonder whether society has changed so much that only the negative aspects show in people's conversation.

What do you think?

I am going to have longer on the buses from now on, as I am going to enjoy catching a bus from Redruth to Truro thus avoiding using the car for most of the month. I worked out the costings and also times and I will save money by purchasing an annual ticket through the college. It used to take me 20 mins to the park and ride and a further 20 mins + depending on traffic or I can take a bus from Redruth direct to Truro for 35 mins... no contest really and means more kindle time or even knitting time ...

Did I mention I have taken up knitting and set myself a challenge to learn to knit cable... watch this space ...

03 September 2012

A Decade on

Ten years ago today, I lost my Dad. We were on holiday down in Cornwall and had planned to go to the Eden Project. After a busy day, touring Mousehole, and Penzance way we had a light tea and he went to bed at about 9.30pm, not unusual as the dogs were awake at 6am for a walk.

This particular morning, I woke first, let the dogs out into the garden and called out did he want a cup of tea. No answer, and with a tight feeling in my stomach I went into his room.

He was lying on his back, his left hand on top of the quilt. He looked as though he were asleep but I knew better.. sometime during the early hours of that morning he had slipped the earthly bounds and left behind the shell.

I knew he would have been happy at the manner of his passing, but not the timing. He wouldn't deliberately have chosen to leave me 300 miles away from home with no-one around, but the gentleness of his passing was joyous to me. After Mum had died ten years previously, he had always said he wanted to go quickly and I believe he had his wish.

A blur of police and questions later, I was allowed to go home and set off back to the Back of Beyond.. I had two elderly jack russells to keep me company and it wasn't until I got to within two miles of the house I felt the tears start.

My brother Zeltus was there to meet me, as were neighbours and yet I felt as though Dad was not that far away from me in spirit. The polytunnel was his domain, and sometimes I felt that if I turned quickly I would see him working with his beloved plants.

Ten years on, things have changed, it took me 6 years after his death to come back to Cornwall and to visit the Eden Project and I fell in love with Portreath and Redruth... another two years and I was living here and yet I think Dad would have approved.. A visit from my Uncle Peter last November allowed me to talk about the maternal side of my family with him and helped to explain much of what I knew of my grandfather...I have an offer anytime I like to visit them in Australia and I hope very much to do so.

To Dad, I still miss you daily, but somehow you have passed along your green fingers to me for fuschias and I have started my collection... Love you xx

02 September 2012

Introducing Piran

When I moved to Cornwall, originally I was going to have two cats, Piran and Saffy but when I finally got Tre Agan, Piran had gone walkabout and Saffy wasn't allowed to come on his own. So no pets until a month later when Murphy came to stay. Then 9 months later, Jasper arrived.. no there is no relationship or pregnancies involved in the occurrence.

Something was missing though, and both Jasper and Murphy were both very keen on cats, keen as in chasing them if they had half a chance.. Jasper being the worst of the two almost pulling me over.

August arrived, and with it this little chap, also called Piran as he is mainly black with a white heart patch on his chest... what else could I call him, and he is rescued from feral communities.. sadly for him, he has already had his nuts removed before I got him, but that is a good thing with a male cat. He spend the first two days hiding in the study (his den) and then introduced himself to Murphy who as usual was so laid back as to be horizontal. An introduction to Jasper was made behind the stairgate and didn't go terribly well - was I making a huge mistake?

Then on 23rd August, he casually walked downstairs, sat on the dining room table and surveyed his kingdom and two black labs - I picked him up and sat on the sofa with him and Piran fell asleep on his back... Jasper was curious but nothing more after that the household has settled down and now it looks as though they are good buddies.

Piran loves snuggling up to the dogs bellies, Jasper is more obliging that Murphy on this, and they are often found in the same bed. Peace reigns (or Piran) at Tre Agan.

01 September 2012

Saturday Satire : Writing

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.