Saturday Satire : Chocolate Factory

My mate ended up trapped at his new job for 24 hours the other day there - told me working in a chocolate factory is downright dangerous

A whole shelf load of chocolate bars buried him up to the neck - I asked him why didn't he shout for help.

His response "I did - but everytime I shouted The Milky Bars Are On Me - the rest of the workforce just cheered!!!!"

Saturday Satire : Chuckles

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
 
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
 
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
 
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.  It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

An Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

St Patrick's Day

A day I celebrate, not for St Patrick but because it is my Dad's birthday. Today he would have been 82 years old and we would have gone out for a meal to celebrate the occasion, marked with a pint of Guinness.

Dad taught me to enjoy whiskey, I taught him the taste of Guinness was better than a pint of bitter. Of course we had to start off in Dublin for a long weekend, and then the following year we enjoyed a tn day jaunt from Cork to Galway and everywhere in between. We did the ring of Kerry, a farming museum, Connemara national park, kissing the Blarney Stone, Cobh and the infamous Jamieson's distillery visit. We got lost in Waterford, never did find the crystal factory, we met Elvis in Tipperary, but above all we got to meet so many people and enjoyed farmhouse hospitality that made this holiday so special and memorable.

Happy birthday Da xx

Saturday Satire : Luck?

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

New Wonder Drugs - soon available near you

Peptobimbo ...Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out, increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ...When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor ...Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ...When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ...Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... Can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ...Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ...When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

St. Mom's Wort ...Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering pre-schoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Anti-talksident ...A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ...Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ...When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Jack Asspirin ...Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. !!

Busy, Busy, Busy

Sorry, my bad, I have been so busy at work recently that this blog has taken a back seat.

It is nice for me, as I am interested in what I am doing, so the days whizz by and then weekends are catch up time for me and the boys.. we try to cram a lot of stuff in to do as we have limited time during the week.

I brought a gps to try the sport of geocaching, it only cost me £10.00 and we have been having fun trying to pick up caches that are sometimes quite public...

I got the boys a couple of new toys, mainly for the beach, some kong toys on a rope so that I can throw them (and I am useless with just a tennis ball).. The long versions are quite heavy and not really pocket friendly, but the squeaker balls are a hit with the boys... my first practice saw me throw it over the fence into a neighbours garden; like a naughtly child, I had to face up and ask for my ball back with promises not to do it again.. luckily he has a sense of humour and with only a threat of making me stand in the corner if it happened again I was given the ball and rope back.

I had my annual observation at work, and was graded 2, never been lower than this in my teaching, 3&4 are considered to be in need of remedial work and 1 is for the hallowed ground of outstanding... me I try to do the best for my students, and haven't quite managed that elusive 1 (yet!). I definitely haven't given up trying though.

My line manager has been off after a knee op, and covering some of his work, as well as my own has been an interesting insight into how the department runs; not sure I want to be part of management again; been there, done that, and was glad to be an indian again.. but some of the things I have been asked to do have been good and interesting but I will still be glad to see C back.

Saturday Satire: The Hunt

Ralph and Norris went bear hunting in Montana. While Ralph stayed in the cabin, Norris went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. His rifle jammed, so he dropped it and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

Now Norris was pretty fleet of foot, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as Norris reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

Norris man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Saturday Satire : Einstein's Theory

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.

"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions.

Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

Brrr from Cornwall

We shouldn't complain, but we do.. we brits love the weather it is a great talking point and even the papers enter in to the spirit of the very britishness of discussing the weather we are experiencing...

Yes some peopl will say, it's winter, it's snow ... get over it.. but currently with the siberian blast over us (including us on the far west of the country, no where is warm... even the cat disdains the outside preferring to stay inside in the warm and dry.

I have to say in the past few days I have noticed more wheezing from my chest than is usual, but then one of my asthma triggers is the cold and being up early and taking the dogs out before work I then have to stand and wait for a bus but I recognise it isn't going to last and soon spring will start to weaver her magic.

I looked back at the history reels of the winter of 1963, and we have nothing like that for which I am grateful... yards of snow, and I mean yards not feet.... from boxing day until late March... unbelievable and I don't know how they managed back then but they did.

Sadness in Kernow

Trevor Grills, one of the Fisherman's Friends died yesterday following a tragic accident at Guildford at the weekend. I loved his rendition of the Last Leviathan and this poem by John Masefield perfectly sums up for me the life of a fisherman.


I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life
To the gull's way and the whale's way, where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

To Trevor's family (and the fisherman's friends) my heartfelt sympathy, while at the moment the pain is very raw his memory will live long in his songs and the memories you have of him xx

Saturday Satire : The Condom Factory

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama
was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

... "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!

I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico...."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK" ?

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested...

All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL

Memories of Back of Beyond

I read another blog 'It happens in Cranfield' as this is where I used to live and it is one way of keeping in touch with what is going on at the back of beyond.

In one post, the author talks about the local dialect, and we have got into a discussion about the old Cranfield broad accent which I remember was spoken by my grandfather. The first time I really remember visting them was before we left for Malaya as our dog Lady was being rehomed with one of my Dad's cousins Cyril who lived in Brogbrough - unfortunately while we were out in Malaya, Lady was run over on the main road; I am not certain of the details.

My grandmother, or Nanna I think I called her was a lovely lady who before we left slipped a 10 shilling note to both me and my brother - I didn't realise at the time what this had probably cost her I just remember thinking how lucky I was - so shallow when I was young.

My grandad was a tall man, over 6ft tall and very thin and lanky. I remember him as being quite stern and mostly he ignored us.

It would be another 5 years before I saw him again, my Nanna had died while we were based in Germany and while Dad had flown back for her last days and funeral we had remained in Detmold.

On our return to the UK, we left in December and our new quarters were not available until January so we used our caravan to spend a few (rather frosty) weeks in on a campsite just up the road from Grandad. One evening we were detailed to spend an evening with him, while mum and dad went out somewhere.. and this is where it gets quite funny. I was 14 almost 15 and Zeltus was 16 going on 17 I think.

Grandad had a very broad accent, and neither Zeltus nor myself could make much sense of it. We used the tone of his voice to help us decide whether it was a question or a statement, if it were a question we used to guess at either Yes or No, and a statement we used to just nod and get him to continue.

This is how we managed to drink his entire stock of peach brandy (not the strong stuff) and make headway into the cherry brandy.. as his questions were presumably do you want a drink?... It was only later as an adult I thought about what he must have thought of us and realised we probably seemed dull of understanding, not realising there was a language barrier.

Dad when he came home was also a bit worse the wear for alcohol, Mum was driving so was probably the only one sober out of the three. Poor grandad came in for a bit of a verbal bashing, and never again did he offer us a drink, and gradually we came to understand more than one word in three.

Sadly, the strong accent seems to have died out completely, although pronunciation of village names has remained. The next village to Cranfield is Salford (not Salford as in nr Manchester) but a silent L means this is pronounced Safford... confusing to those not from the local area.

Living down here at the Edge of the World, I have learnt a whole new language and pronunciations and similar to the Back of Beyond what you see isn't always how it is said.

Saturday Satire : The Burglar's Tale

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped... out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

January is fast

... very fast and drawing to a close with wind and gales not to mention torrential rain... is it me or is this very strange seasonal weather.

Cornwall missed out on the majority of the snow, thankfully, though we are not out of the woods until probably into June and beyond but I think everyone is hoping for a good year weatherwise.

I noted on the local news that the Eden Project is cutting back on some jobs, shame as it is already highly priced and in order to attract more people to the location, you really need to be competitive price wise and also offer things for everyone to do and I am not sure it quite meets all of those targets for young and old alike.

I took the dogs down to the beach at Portreath on Sunday morning, made a flask of coffee but forgot to take it with me - doh! We spent the best part of an hour on the beach, enjoying the sunshine and fresh air, the dogs ran in and out of the water, I couldn't quite tell if it was actually coming in or going out but we enjoyed a rummage in the tide pools and in the edges of the surf. I am still wary of letting them go in when it is slightly rough, strong swimmers they might be but you hear so many tales of dogs and people being swept out to sea by strong undercurrents.

A good game of tennis ball throwing usually does the trick, they slept the rest of the day while I caught up with housework, who knew that they had so much black hair on them (or rather not on them). I had given up trying to dry anything this week, so took the washing to the local laundrette and used their dryers, I don't own one as I think they are way too easy an option but on this occasion it was worth getting it all done, dried and folded as ironing then was at a minimum.

Next month sees me celebrate the anniversary of my freedom, from a relationship gone sour, least said. I survived the fall out, with dignity and pride intact. Knowing I did everything I could to make it work, but you can't be the only one in a relationship who does, it is a team effort and on the whole I don't think I have lost anything irreplaceable. I will be raising a glass to celebrate on the 8th February, join me if you like at 8pm with a tipple of your choice.

Saturday Satire : Who was best?

A Priest, A Minister and a Rabbi and all were trying to see who was the best at their job.

They decided to go to the woods find a bear and convert it.

One week later they all came back with their stories:

The priest went first and said “ well when I went out into the woods I found a bear and I gave him communion and now he's a regular church goer."

The minister said he found his by the stream and baptized him and now he goes to my church frequently."

When the rabbis turn came he was in a wheelchair with a full body cast and he said "perhaps I shouldn't have started with the circumcision"

Today is ...

Black Cat Day....

According to the news reports, black cats may be popular with witches - but not with us apparently. Today therefore is black cat day - a day devoted to re-homing these ebony animals because there are so many of them in care. I am not sure why this is, they are just as loving as a tabby, or a ginger cat so why wouldn't they be as popular.  It could be the long held myth that they were witches familiar but why does the same applied to black dogs, and it does.

How I ended up with my three black boys....

I have two black Labradors, Murphy and Jasper, stunning lads with a lovely temperament and yet both of them came from rescue organisations.

Murphy because he was too much for his last owner to cope with (he is a very strong willed dog and you really have to be one step ahead of him, but this chunky monkey of a dog is a loving wannabe lapdog - just a shame my lap isn't that big). He came to me just a week before his first birthday, and had three previous owners.  I promised Murphy then, he would never have to have another home in his lifetime come what may I will fight tooth and nail to ensure that comes true for him.

Jasper came, partly because Murphy is bit of a lazy monkey, and I thought company for him in the shape of another dog would encourage him to do more running around. Jasper (originally called Bobby), came from Labrador Rescue and he and his brother would escape and run wild on the moors down near Penzance. Jasper is a comedian, has a permanent laugh on his face, and loves, absolutely loves his tennis ball and will do anything for a game of throw.

Neither one of them could be called cat friendly when we had them, certainly outside Jasper and Murphy would love to chase anything that moved.. preferably a cat. So getting a kitten was done with much thought.

I knew it had to be a kitten, to fit in with them, but not buying it from a backyard breeder.  I found someone who takes in semi-feral and feral cats and their kittens and then 'tames' them by patience and skill (not to mention a few bites in the process).

Piran was black with a little white bib and another white patch on his belly, he was 16 weeks old when he came, so not too young but very skittish as for the first 5 days apart from the missing food, I didn't see him. I used to come home from work, walk the dogs, and then go and sit in Piran's room and read to him from whichever book I was reading at the time.

Slowly but surely, Piran realised that I wasn't going to hurt him, nor make him do anything until he was ready and one night I woke up to noises from his room. He was sitting on the windowsill looking out, he treated me to a low growl, but let me stroke him; the growl turned to a purr and the battle was won. He quickly decided to explore upstairs, a gate was put downstairs to stop the dogs from coming up although Murphy and Piran met at bedtimes and all was well with those two.

The introduction to Jasper was a little more challenging, a greeting through the stairgate was met with snapping from the dog and a fairly skittish kitten. It was at this point in time I wondered whether I had done the right thing, I carried out with the scent transferring (a number of blankets kept swapping between the dogs and the kitten to familiarise them with the others scents).. and hoped that Piran had enough sense to know to get to safety if he were to venture downstairs.

About three weeks after he arrived, I was watching tv with the dogs when all of a sudden they rushed to the dining table upon which was a tiny little black kitten calmly washing himself and announcing he was now here to stay. Murphy was used to him so just came and sat back down by my feet and the kitten curled up on the sofa and fell asleep unaware of the very big step he had taken. Jasper was puzzled, and rather confused with the behaviour of this tiny little boy, he came over and said hello to the sleeping kitten and then also lay down and snoozed.

:
: tbc

Positive Thoughts #4

I am not actually trying to think of positive things, I wait until they pop into my mind. Honest.

Today's thought popped into my mind on the way to work. I was on the bus into Truro to work and I was thinking I was very lucky to work down here in a job I like but also to work in a city. Now I know to most of you, Truro is a bit of a small place but city it is and having lived and worked in London which is mahoosive and really busy it is a pleasure to visit and shop in Truro.

I previously lived in a village, albeit of 5000+ residents so technically larger than your average village and moved to Redruth which as I live on the edge is practically on the farm so I don't feel that I am urbanised too much yet if the weather is bad I can walk into town for most things and in fact the supermarket is within walking range.

At the back of beyond, being on top of a hill and living on the edge of the village it was 1/4 mile before you eve got to civilisation and had a budgen's supermarket or the co-op at the other end. When we had some bad weather both shops ran out of essential supplies and lorries couldn't get into replenish stocks.

So I feel lucky to live where I do, it may not be perfect but it is as close as I can get.

Saturday Satire : Ferrari F1 Team Changes

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower...................

The Best Regiment in the British Army

A Paratrooper, a Craftsman, a Gunner and a Fusilier got into an argument about which Regiment was "The Best." The arguing became so heated the four squaddies failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.
.
.
 
Soon, the four soldiers found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four Squaddies asked him, "Saint Peter, which Regiment of the British Army is the best?"
.
.
.

Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven."
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.
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Sometime later the four Soldiers see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven and asked Saint Peter if he was able to ask God for the answer to their answer.?

Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:

MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE
TO: All Former Soldiers.
SUBJECT: Which Regiment Is the Best

1. All branches of the Armed Forces are honourable and noble.

2. Each serves the United Kingdom well and with distinction.

3. Serving in the military represents a great honour warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.

4. Always be proud of that.

Warm regards,

GOD
Royal Regiment of Artillery (retired)

Positive thought #3

There is a definite dip in the weather, and I have a roof over my head, heating keeping me warm and food on the table.. there are many out there today, that have to make compromises on any and all of the above and I have to be greatful for what I do have, not for want I would like to have.

I see daily in the news the politicians saying we have to have an austere time, but when people are reduced to using foodbanks then it strikes me that the balance is wrong and I would like to think that David Cameron and his cronies fellow politicians are fighting their cause to become the new robin hoods and take from the rich and give to the poor.

I read fairy tales too xx

Jus Waiting

The Sudden Stratospheric watsit is making its presence felt on the eastern side of the country, with temperatures rarely reaching above freezing... here is it blue skies and sunshine, but we know that we are due to see some colder weather, though probably not the snow that the rest of the country are having.

I have the washing out on the line. though there is little wind. It will simply smell fresher for having an airing outside. The dogs, after a brief walk this morning, I managed to turn my ankle on friday afternoon... and strapped up took them up to the top field and threw balls for them; they are now sleeping it off nicely.

Lunch is cooking in the oven, I raided the freezer for a piece of pork to roast.... with roasted veggies and potatoes, dinner tonight is going to be slowcooked pork... soft, tender and very flavoursome. 

How are you spending your Sunday?

Saturday Satire : the old couple

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.... "I would like it infrequently" she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered ...

'Is that one word or two?'

Heading our way...

According to the weather forecast coldaggedon is about to hit the UK. Something to do with a sudden stratospheric warming whatsit (or some such name). Funny I always knew it as winter! The Great Siberian Freezer door have been opened and the draft is heading our way; thought I think the Eastern Counties might have it worse than here at the edge of the world.

There was, however, a lovely red sky on route to work this morning. I wish I had got my camera with me,  because the entire sky was like a warm red. If shepherds warnings have got anything to do with it, we are probably in for some not so nice weather (mind you as long as it is dry we can deal with most things). The airports willa shut, trains will not run because the rails are Icy, cold or some such other excuse. The roads will be impassable because of a lack of salt, gritters or statutory rest breaks by the Ministry of Stupidity.

The temperatures will drop to minus figures, getting rid of evil viruses such as no norovirus et al plaguing our little independent nation at the present moment, shops will run short of supplies as people stock up for the great disaster they are expecting and children will love the white stuff if they are lucky enough to get it.

Enjoy it people, be happy in a glorious winters' day that we will shortly experience, spring will be heading our way soon enough and the beauty that it promises will soon enough be here; already here we have golden daffodils to cheer up these dark days.

Positive Thought #2

Yesterday I went to the Eden Project, somewhere that Dad and I had planned to do when he unexpectedly didn't wake up one morning. I didn't make it for another 5 years and then it was to celebrate my 50th Birthday with the now ex. I had a couple of visits when I moved here, because events were held there by the college, but at £23.50 to get in I think it is overpriced for most pockets which is a shame. However, the ticket to get it can be made up to an annual ticket for no extra cost, yes brilliant, but not helpful if you live in Yorkshire for instance or unless you happen to come to Cornwall every weekend.

Yesterday, The Eden project, gave free access to Truro College members, just show your card and you and up to four members of your family got in free. I took along a 'Sister' and two of her children and a little 6 month old grandaughter and we had a good time. I also brought a 'local access' ticket whereby for the grand sum of £12.50 I now have two years free access to the centre and I am planning to use it regularly. It is only about 40 mins away from Tre Agan, and it will be nice to capture the changing seasons; I did take the camera yesterday but it ran out of battery power and I couldn't manage to open the cover in order to change batteries.

I did however, manage to go up the new rainforest walkway, up to the top of the rainforest biome and it is suspended on steel wires and as you walk up/down it has a wonderful wobble, just think of the millenium bridge in London before they fixed it. The views were marvellous, but my friend couldn't do it because of the baby so I tried not to spend too much time knowing I could come back at any time in the future.

Good times ahead, I will post pictures as soon as I  can download from the camera.

Satire Satire : The Wife's Sacrifice

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

 However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

 My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Postive Thought #1

First of my many positive thoughts for this year.

One of the advantages of living here at the Edge of the World, is that even on the shortest day it was still light gone 4pm and means I get home to the boys to take them out in the daylight (even when it is raining lol).

Of course, this is backed up by the fact that the mornings are deep and gloomy until 8ish, but then when I was living in the Back of Beyond I can remember it being dark and gloomy when I was heading to work and that was about 8am ish so I generally have longer days.

The other positive factor about living here, is the temperatures, while BoB was freezing and having snow falling before christmas, here it was still mild (well it would be with all that wet falling from the sky) and I love that.

I love that in ten minutes I can be at the beach and paddling despite it being very fresh and very cold.. it is still better than having to take a day trip. Now I can make a flask of coffee or hot chocolate and go and watch the waves crash on the shore every day if I want (I don't always have the time, or so I tell myself) it doesn't cost me anything in diesel, and I can even go on the bus if I want to save even more.

New Year thoughts

I didn't make any new year resolutions but instead set out a path for me to explore. Not follow, explore. I will be trying new things, going to new places, learning new things and while I know that not everything will work or be successful, or even enjoyable, it will not stop me wandering on.

Having finished the PGCE and not having the funding to do the course I want, I am concentrating my efforts on other things. I have seen some lovely felted animals that gets my creative thoughts wondering if i could do the same sort of thing, likewise I would love to try painting though I have never been artistic and would love to improve my photography skills.

I have some more personal aims, but more of those later

A New Chapter

... and so it begins

A chilly plunge ankle deep into the sea at Portreath with the beloved Pond Boys.... brr cold and chilly wasn't the word - instantanously my toes felt as though blast frozen and no more than appendages to my now freezing cold foot but the boys and I enjoyed the run on the beach.

I should have taken a flask of hot chocolate, but too keen to get there and only ensuring I had a pound coin for the car park I didn't take anything like that and it was too early for the ocean cafe to be open.

After you had adjusted to the icy wind, the temperature seemed a little warmer, was I acclimatising I thought.. or just too chilled to consider hypothermia? We spend an hour there, just enough to use up the car park ticket and then home to enjoy a hot chocolate in the sunshine (through the window) meanwhile the ninja cat is going beserk at having the back door opened and is busy zipping in and out as though he can't quite believe it is not raining for once.

Work tomorrow, though at a different location to my normal, I am covering Newquay OLC heaven help them but I can take plenty with me in case it isn't too busy (please).

I hope everyone had a happy, healthy New Year and not too overburdened by rich foods and chocolates

Lots of Love to you all