One of my favourite monologues

Is Bob Newhart, with Gerard Hoffnung in a very close second with the bricklayers story and Pam Ayrs providing the british contingent she is going to be appearing at the Stables nr Milton Keynes soon and I am just debating whether to try and get a ticket or not... still makes me laugh.

Dad used to own a LP of Bob Newhart, and I can remember listening to the story of the driving instructor and having tears of laughter running down my face. Sadly he lent the record to a friend and it was never seen again.. years later I managed to find a copy on CD with some tracks I had never heard before including this one on bomb disposal; so for your delectation and amusement... here it is courtesy of this site


Er... hello, Lieutenant Stevenson here...
Patrolman Hackmaster?...
Oh! hello Willard, you're a little late reporting in aren't you, Willard?...
You've found a shell on the beach?...
You think that's unusual, do you Willard, finding a shell on the beach?...
It's not that kind of shell?...
What's the matter, Willard, doesn't it sound like the ocean when you hold it up to your ear?...
Oh! that kind of shell!...
Well, I'll tell you what, Willard, I'll send somebody out in the morning and we can er...
Oh! is that right?...
I was sort of hoping it was your watch making that noise...
I'm gonna give it to you straight, Willard. Willard, you've got a live one there!
WILLARD!!!...
Don't hang up...
That's an order, Willard...
And stop that whining!...
Now, you're perfectly safe, Willard, there's nothing to worry about as long as it's ticking...
Er, when it stops ticking, that's something else again, Willard.
Now, listen Willard, get control of yourself...
You and I are going to disarm that thing...
I've got the instruction manual...
Well, no! I'm not coming down there, Willard...
Well, I mean I can't just leave the office anytime I want to!...
NO!!!...
DON'T BRING IT IN HERE, WILLARD, NO!!!
Now look, Willard, I'm taking just as big a chance as you are, I mean, this is my responsibility, if that thing goes off, it's me they're gonna wanna to talk to, not you, ya know!
Alright now, Willard, describe it to me...
Uh... it sounds like some sort of torpedo, Willard...
It must be one of ours!...
It says, 'Made in Japan' huh?...
Well, it could still be one of ours, Willard. Is there a serial number or anything like that, on it?...
X5307... er, let me look that up, Willard, just a minute...
Oh boy!... you've found a beauty there, Willard. Ha! ha!... d'ya know how powerful that baby is?...
Six city blocks, Willard. ha! ha!...
What d'ya mean , you'll call me back?...
There's a phonebox seven blocks away...
WILLARD!!!...
Now, stop that whining, Willard!...
Willard, I know this is dangerous, but if we can save one human life...
Oh, that's the way you feel about, huh?...
Look Willard, control yourself now...
Listen Willard, according to this, there's a... Er, how long has that thing been ticking?...
About 5 - 6 minutes, huh?...
Huh?
Oh!... Er... nothing, Willard, nothing... we're just gonna have to work a little faster than I thought!
Willard, according to the manual here, about six inches from the tail-end of it, there's a plate...
Yeh, and it's held on by four screws...
Now it says, now this is very important, it says, 'This plate should be removed with an LT5 screwdriver with a plastic handle and a de-magnetised tip'...
Oh, you don't have one, huh?...
Augh!... use a coin then, Willard!...
Okay?... you got it off then, Willard?...
Boy! that thing sure is complicated... I can't make heads nor tails outa this...
No, don't worry, Willard, I'll get that thing fixed if it's the last thing... er, we'll take care of it, don't worry about it...
Listen Willard, there's a kind of a little hootymajig thing in there... a wheel of some kind! Why don't you try turning the wheel, Willard?...
Oh, I don't know... turn it to the left and see what happens...
Yeh!...
I can hear it, Willard, it's ticking a lot faster, isn't it?...
Er!... you'd better turn it back, Willard!
Okay! let's see...
Listen, there are two wires here. It says here, 'Under no conditions...
Oh! someone's spilled coffee over this page...
Well, one is a kind of greyish-blue and the other one is a kind of er, bluish-grey...
Willard!...
Who are you talking to there?...
A LITTLE BOY!!!...
Willard, get him out of there! if that thing goes off, we're...
He says it's his?...
It's a toy torpedo?...
Willard, let me talk to the kid, will ya?...
He ran down to the beach with it?
Willard, I think you'd better come into the office, we ought to have a little talk... you hung me up here for ten minutes because of a kid...
Willard!...
What was that noise?...
The toy torpedo just sunk a fishing trawler, huh?
Well, that's alright, Willard... it's out of our hands now, 'cos now its in the Coast Guard's, right?...
Right!
Good-bye.