25 August 2009

Dear Cats n Dogs.... (n rats)

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by F1 and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they

(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for further education
and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

6 comments:

Rach said...

I have this on my board at work and still laugh at it when I read it and how true it is.

Belle is currently tormenting the life out of Holly because she is awake and Holly is just waking up it's war in here at the moment..lol...xx

Kathy G said...

Too funny!

I don't know how a 9-pound cat has the ability to take up an ENTIRE bed.

Kippers Dickie said...

Excellent!
Although I think I may lose a few friends if I posted that on my door!
However, my brother tells me, cats have one big draw-back...they bring on his asthma.
PS...a bit off topic,..thank you for your nice comment today on Tracker-bar, but did you know that all my regular postings have been on monkey-organ?
I only ask because several people have thought I had stopped blogging

Asclepius said...

About a year ago we received a kitten, only a couple of weeks old at the time. Within the first week she had established that the house was now hers and she was very generously letting us live there, watching her tv, sleeping in her bed and sitting on her sofa. It puts me in mind of how we built our empire, we walked into countries just assuming it was now ours and no-one seemed to be able to contest that because we were so sure.

Alison said...

Very true stuff there!

Eliza said...

I have this and i love it, i'd like to stick it on my front door :-)