13 June 2009

Saturday Satire - Shipwrecked

A normal 40-something, having recently split from his girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life..... that is..... until the ship sank.

He found himself washed up on a beach on an island. There were no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I laminated the bottom from palm leaves, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is absolutely stunned.

"Come with me. I'll show you. Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to a small, but exquisite, bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, totally dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, he tells her he is stunned by all this. She replies casually, "Thankyou. It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut milk."

"It's not coconut milk," winks the woman. "I have built a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and have a shave? There is a razor I've made in the bathroom cabinet."

The man can barely grasp all this. He is totally stunned. No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is completely amazing," he muses. "Whatever next?"

He finishes his shower and shave, and leaves the bathroom. When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling beautifully, albeit faintly, of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "You've been out here for many months now, completely on your own."

She runs her fingers gently across his chest.

"You've been lonely. I'm sure there's something you really feel like doing right now. There must be something you've been longing for?" She stares deeply into his eyes.

He looks searchingly back into her beautiful deep blue eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. After all this time, completely alone.

His mouth goes dry. He tries to swallow, but can't.

Small tears start to form in the corners his eyes.........

"You.."

She nods.

He struggles to speak.

"You mean..."

She nods, and smiles.

The words do not come easily to him.

"Are you trying to tell me......that....you....."

Her smile gets even wider.


















































"Are you trying to tell me you've got Sky Sports?"

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