My mate ended up trapped at his new job for 24 hours the other day there - told me working in a chocolate factory is downright dangerous
A whole shelf load of chocolate bars buried him up to the neck - I asked him why didn't he shout for help.
His response "I did - but everytime I shouted The Milky Bars Are On Me - the rest of the workforce just cheered!!!!"
30 March 2013
23 March 2013
Saturday Satire : Chuckles
The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."
An Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."
An Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
17 March 2013
St Patrick's Day
A day I celebrate, not for St Patrick but because it is my Dad's birthday. Today he would have been 82 years old and we would have gone out for a meal to celebrate the occasion, marked with a pint of Guinness.
Dad taught me to enjoy whiskey, I taught him the taste of Guinness was better than a pint of bitter. Of course we had to start off in Dublin for a long weekend, and then the following year we enjoyed a tn day jaunt from Cork to Galway and everywhere in between. We did the ring of Kerry, a farming museum, Connemara national park, kissing the Blarney Stone, Cobh and the infamous Jamieson's distillery visit. We got lost in Waterford, never did find the crystal factory, we met Elvis in Tipperary, but above all we got to meet so many people and enjoyed farmhouse hospitality that made this holiday so special and memorable.
Happy birthday Da xx
Dad taught me to enjoy whiskey, I taught him the taste of Guinness was better than a pint of bitter. Of course we had to start off in Dublin for a long weekend, and then the following year we enjoyed a tn day jaunt from Cork to Galway and everywhere in between. We did the ring of Kerry, a farming museum, Connemara national park, kissing the Blarney Stone, Cobh and the infamous Jamieson's distillery visit. We got lost in Waterford, never did find the crystal factory, we met Elvis in Tipperary, but above all we got to meet so many people and enjoyed farmhouse hospitality that made this holiday so special and memorable.
Happy birthday Da xx
16 March 2013
Saturday Satire : Luck?
A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor
examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease
known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your
internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to
live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
14 March 2013
New Wonder Drugs - soon available near you
Peptobimbo ...Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out, increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ...When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor ...Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ...When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ...Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... Can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ...Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ...When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
St. Mom's Wort ...Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering pre-schoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Anti-talksident ...A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin ...Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet ...When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Jack Asspirin ...Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. !!
09 March 2013
Busy, Busy, Busy
Sorry, my bad, I have been so busy at work recently that this blog has taken a back seat.
It is nice for me, as I am interested in what I am doing, so the days whizz by and then weekends are catch up time for me and the boys.. we try to cram a lot of stuff in to do as we have limited time during the week.
I brought a gps to try the sport of geocaching, it only cost me £10.00 and we have been having fun trying to pick up caches that are sometimes quite public...
I got the boys a couple of new toys, mainly for the beach, some kong toys on a rope so that I can throw them (and I am useless with just a tennis ball).. The long versions are quite heavy and not really pocket friendly, but the squeaker balls are a hit with the boys... my first practice saw me throw it over the fence into a neighbours garden; like a naughtly child, I had to face up and ask for my ball back with promises not to do it again.. luckily he has a sense of humour and with only a threat of making me stand in the corner if it happened again I was given the ball and rope back.
I had my annual observation at work, and was graded 2, never been lower than this in my teaching, 3&4 are considered to be in need of remedial work and 1 is for the hallowed ground of outstanding... me I try to do the best for my students, and haven't quite managed that elusive 1 (yet!). I definitely haven't given up trying though.
My line manager has been off after a knee op, and covering some of his work, as well as my own has been an interesting insight into how the department runs; not sure I want to be part of management again; been there, done that, and was glad to be an indian again.. but some of the things I have been asked to do have been good and interesting but I will still be glad to see C back.
It is nice for me, as I am interested in what I am doing, so the days whizz by and then weekends are catch up time for me and the boys.. we try to cram a lot of stuff in to do as we have limited time during the week.
I brought a gps to try the sport of geocaching, it only cost me £10.00 and we have been having fun trying to pick up caches that are sometimes quite public...
I got the boys a couple of new toys, mainly for the beach, some kong toys on a rope so that I can throw them (and I am useless with just a tennis ball).. The long versions are quite heavy and not really pocket friendly, but the squeaker balls are a hit with the boys... my first practice saw me throw it over the fence into a neighbours garden; like a naughtly child, I had to face up and ask for my ball back with promises not to do it again.. luckily he has a sense of humour and with only a threat of making me stand in the corner if it happened again I was given the ball and rope back.
I had my annual observation at work, and was graded 2, never been lower than this in my teaching, 3&4 are considered to be in need of remedial work and 1 is for the hallowed ground of outstanding... me I try to do the best for my students, and haven't quite managed that elusive 1 (yet!). I definitely haven't given up trying though.
My line manager has been off after a knee op, and covering some of his work, as well as my own has been an interesting insight into how the department runs; not sure I want to be part of management again; been there, done that, and was glad to be an indian again.. but some of the things I have been asked to do have been good and interesting but I will still be glad to see C back.
Saturday Satire: The Hunt
Ralph and Norris went bear hunting in Montana. While Ralph stayed in the
cabin, Norris went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear,
shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. His
rifle jammed, so he dropped it and started running for the cabin as
fast as he could.
Now Norris was pretty fleet of foot, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as Norris reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
Norris man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Now Norris was pretty fleet of foot, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as Norris reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
Norris man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
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