Saturday Satire - On the Fence

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one ''

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could peform like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody go at it like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you do it like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fence wasn't electrified."

Its going to be

This weekend is going to be a beautiful weekend, one to sit back with friends and chill over a glass or two of cold wine..

BUT its not going to be my weekend for doing that, no sirree I am going to be busy getting stuff ready for collection on Monday when Emmaus come for their furniture. This week I have been busy going through the shelves in the 'study' and getting rid of old OU materials, some of which I promised I would do when I had a moment and never will now so they have gone for recycling. The shelves will be coming down so I can reuse them later on.

I hope to start some decorating after a little break when Max and I are going for a few days out to enjoy the sunshine and good weather - note please that when I plan something like this usually the weather gods interpret this as a mechanism for thunderstorms, downpours and any other type of unpleasant weather so I don't expect too much from this break.

It does mean that posts are going to be bit sparse, as it will depend on internet access.. oh how I wished I had gone mobile broadband, but a bit too late now.. never mind.. the saturday satire posts will be there to amuse and I am sure I will manage something to come on line automatically to share with you some of the pearls of wisdom that have escaped the decluttering process so far.

Hope you all have a great weekend, don't get too sunburnt

I received this as an email today

It set me thinking of the good things that are in my life, not just the groans and complains that seem to be burdens most of the time - see what you think.

I am thankful for :

• The taxes I pay, because it means I am employed - watch this space soon :-)
• The mess to clean up after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends
• The clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat
• My shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the sunshine
• For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
• All the complaining I hear about the Government, because it means we have freedom of speech
• The parking spot I find at the far end of the car park, because it means I am capable of walking and have been blessed with transportation
• My heating bill, because it means I am warm
• The pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear
• The weary and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been working hard
• The alarm that goes off in the morning hours, because it means I am alive
• Too much email, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.
• The friends who live so far away, because they mean a lot to me and show me their support even after I let them down.

Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart but above all, be thankful today

Right out of wisdom today

Do you ever get one of those days when you prefer to coast rather than sail. When you want to just do rather than invent? When you want someone to make you tea, rather than you have to do it? I am having one of those days today, I call it an 'Out of Wisdom' day. Yes I know I could do it, but I just don't want to.. no matter how wise it would be.

I want to sit on the sofa watching the goggle box, but I won't enjoy it. I am enjoying in a strange way, the sifting through of objects in the cupboards, remembering the day that the object/photo/book was purchased and deciding what I can keep and what has to go..

Yet the piles seem as big as ever, despite the 'stuff' that has already gone to freecycle, to the bookswap, to friends and aquaintances, I know by the end of this weekend that I will have made a considerable hole in the process, and then on Monday afternoon I should see a whole vanload of 'things' (furniture and bric-a-brac) leave for Emmaus which will give me back my carport (hopefully). Then I can start to take down the shelves, take out the hooks for hanging pictures and start to decide which are going to move with me and which are still to be disposed of.

We had a habit of collecting pictures and therefore frames but there is a limit as to how many I can keep and where therefore they should go. Some of the stuff will be kept for Zeltus, probably most of the photo's with the exception of one or two and hopefully in the future we might be able to scan them in and then put them in a digital photoframe instead of dustily on a wall.

Then the fun of packing starts, the breakable objects are going to be stored by a family friend, so that when the move finally takes place they are already safely packed and stored away from the removal process.

As much as possible, I want to have the house packed with as few posessions on show as possible, giving the future purchasers the ability to move in as soon as they can.. anything to speed the process up with one exception.. I have to get the right price for the house otherwise the property market in Cornwall is going to be very limited for my budget.

Big Decisions

I have made some big decisions, the house is in the process of decluttering, soon to be decorated and then up on the market it goes.

I hope to be out of here by end of July (August as the latest) and then a new life awaits in Cornwall. Frankly I would have been happier not to have come back after a good weekend down South-West, but I have commitments that need to be met and can only be done if I came back and finished what I had started.

We went over to Portreath on Sunday, after visiting Pool market and sat by the Pepperpot up on the cliff top and talked logistics and lots of other stuff while we were enjoying the hot and bright sunshine along with a sandwich and a bottle of tango.

I have to visit the mortgage people while I am up here, to talk about the sale of the house and how to buy down there but hopefully have come up with a plan of renting the one that is to be bought (subject to the price of this one to be sold and the asking price of the other).. failing that then asking to rent while I negotiate on another one. Though I did like the one I saw on Friday last week, and it isn't too big nor too small and therefore quite manageable.

Andrea of Ezy-Move in Redruth was extremely nice and gave me a few other property details, and I got the distinct impression that she would make the move much easier for me with regards local properties.

The job agencies I spoke to in Truro were very positive about my work opportunities, though I need to be down there to be in with a chance, so it does very much look as though I will be leaving without a permanent job to go to which is quite scary, but not as scary as working for an employer that makes me unhappy for the rest of my working life. I would rather be poorer and closer to the breadline than richer in money and poorer in quality of life.

So all I have to do now is work hard, and make the dream a reality... watch this space..

Saturday Satire - The vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and scenery when a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them.

They couldn't help but stare, but when she passed them she winked and smiled and said, "Good Morning Father," " Good Morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed them by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits (so loud, you hear them before you saw them) and some mirror lens sunglasses.

Again they settled on the beach to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward s them again in an even smaller bikini ( they were really glad they had sunglasses on, as their eyes nearly popped out of their heads).

Again , she approached them and greeted them individually. "Good Morning Father," "Good Morning Father." As she started to walk away one of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,"Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know?"

"Oh Father, don't you recognise me? I'm Sister Angelica."

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I will be thinking hard about my options this weekend, hopefully visiting a few employment agencies and hawking my CV around to try and get a job in Cornwall.

At least it will be a positive step in the right direction of where I want to be and why I want to be there.

Today I realised that even if I sell the house and move down without a job, if I have done some of the ground work earlier and make the contact with the agencies now I stand a better chance of picking up some temp work when I arrive rather than having to do that after getting to Cornwall. Also staying in with the agencies is a good thing when you may be dependent on them to find you work, though I haven't given up yet on the idea of getting a job beforehand.

Count of jobs applied for : 10,
Responses : 1 (for more information)

I also came to the conclusion that renting a house for 6 months, to give me opportunity to find a full-time job, was a damn good idea on my part, as dependent on work availability will also be a good indicator as to where to put down roots; though I have a hankering to live somewhere near Helston.

I just know that I want to be somewhere that has some facilities, ideally a library, swimming pool, supermarket, a good social scene (if you can count weighwatchers as a scene lol) and a good bus service as when I get older I may not always be able to use the car - not only that but hell, I paid my taxes for a reason!

I just need to ensure that the pot of gold from the house doesn't get eaten into as it will be needed to buy a house in the future even if it is something that isn't quite right, it should be therefore cheaper and the any spare money will be needed to make it what is required. So other than covering the rent/utilities and taxes, I plan on earning enough to cover as much as I can. You never know I might even start trading more on e-bay for extra pennies.

Does that sound like a plan?

This is Scary as hell, from my point of view, but I cannot contemplate staying here for the rest of my days when I have an opportunity to do something and in 10 years time I will be drawing a pension, and in receipt of a bus pass should I be lucky enough to survive that long and unless the stress of this puts me in a home for the bewildered early.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained as the title says.

Shortened version of plan

1. declutter
2. decorate
3. sell
4. move
5. happiness

On a reflective note

I got this as an email, I don't know how true this is. It is supposed to be a poem written by a young cancer sufferer and wanted it to get out to many people. I don't like sending chain emails/letters but I liked the reflectiveness of the words and chose to put it on the blog.

So Jennifer if you are out there, here's to you.

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,'Hi'

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

For Elaine's Family

Elaine's funeral is today at 1.15pm, and I am going to be having a very quiet reflective lunchtime today.

I never met Elaine in person, but in my year of blogging she was one of the first to give me a comment after I put in important things to do and number 9 was To read the books I have before I buy any more new ones. A fellow bookaholic she said she also had difficulties attaining that one.

When I started the blog, I hadn't anticipated getting comments from people, and yet I have come to treasure them all but most of all Elaine's and as a frequent visitor I looked forward to her comments, usually very positive and often humourous; she even enjoyed my jokes and undertook to do a meme because I asked nicely and she didn't want to offend.

I am going to miss her in my life, both for her comments and her own blog, and I wish I could be there to pay my respects to her family whom I know will miss her more but we will all share our memories of this wonderful lady in our own way.

In tribute I offer the poem (author Anonymous), possibly based on Mary Frye's Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep or on a Native American Prayer. This version, I think, is beautiful and I hope Elaine would have approved of the words and thoughts that accompany this post.

I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still - in each new dawn.

Emmaus

Thanks to A for her tip off, and a colleague in work I have resolved the issue of the 6ft tall bookcase, and a lot of other furniture at the same time; it is being all collected on 1st June in the afternoon which will then mean I will be able to address all the issues of decorating as I will be able to see the walls without all the furniture being in the way.

Not only that, I have a feel-good-factor, as the Emmaus project (which has a local project nearby in Carlton, Beds) helps homeless people by providing employment as well as trading in furniture and bric-n-brac to provide much needed funds. This makes me feel better than having to hire a skip to throw it all away and in order to downsize I need to get rid of a lot of the clutter...

Still more to go as the contents of the cupboard still need to be gone through for things to keep and things to dispose of; lots of memories to go through and to let go of I think as I don't need tangible 'things' to keep the memories alive but I do need the space they occupy and I don't want to take them down to Cornwall only to gather dust.

How hard is it?

To get rid of a 6ft bookcase?

Seemingly impossible, as I have advertised it three times on freecycle, but each time they call me at the last moment and say they can't take it... Dang I feel cursed by it.

I have managed to 'offload' sorry give away

a steamer
a slowcooker
a bag of blankets
a bag of knitting wool
a bag of assorted videos - james bond and adventure ones
and another bookcase, only 5 1/2 ft high

While I love freecycling goods, I do feel somewhat disheartened at other people's responses to the bookcase.

Where else can I try? anyone have any bright ideas

Saturday Satire - Old Age

A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'