Saturday Satire : What Granny Doesn't Know

A teenage girl started working as a prostitute, but she kept it a secret from her family.

One day she was working at the brothel when it was raided by the Police.

All the prostitutes were lined up on the pavement outside to be taken away, when the young girl's grandmother came along.

She immediately spotted her grandaughter and asked her why she was lining up?

The girl thought fast and told her granny that they were giving out free oranges and they were lining up for them.

The granny accepted this and started walking away, but as she reached the end of the queue she decided to join the end of the line as she liked oranges.

A policeman was surprised to see her lined up with all the girls and said to her, "Surely you are too old to be doing this, how do you manage it at your age?"

The granny replied,"Its easy sonny, I just take out my teeth and suck them dry."

Tre Agan (Our Home)

It's officially ours, the money has been wired and I will be collecting the keys to Tre Agan this afternoon.

So long to the old homestead at the back of beyond which now belongs to someone else who I hope is very happy with her choice.

Say hello to Tre Agan, the official residence of Sage and SOH

With views from the front door over to the North Coast and Portreath (only 3 miles away), and views of Carn Brae from the rear it is a good location.

PS. anyone noted that the downsizing didn't really happen as this is also a 3 bedroom house with a garage lol...

Still it has plenty of storage, and isn't too near to town, but not to far away to be within walking distance. Just need to ring the utility companies and sky to arrange for a satellite dish.

A tribute to a friend

Today, a year ago saw the loss of Elaine, of Old Age is a Bitch. She hadn't been well for some time and yet it was still a shock to read her sisters post telling of her fight for life and finally her loss to us all.

I can remember thinking how sad it was, of all the friendships that she brought together just by virtue of her blog, and how much she meant to her family but particularly to her sister who Elaine referred to just as TBSITW (The best sister in the world) but who I now know as Enid.

Today I will be remembering her, and spending some time reading her blog, which is still up although of course not updated and hopefully soon can make some of her recipes to share with SOH along with a glass of wine (though not noilly prat, which was Elaine's favourite tipple).

God Bless Elaine, your memory will live on.

Mundaness and Money

How easy it is to spend lots of money and see very little for it.

SOH and I went off to B&Q last night to get some curtain poles, one of the very few things that is needed at the new abode. Neither one of us wanted anything dark, or bright and brassy. So we have settled for satin steel extendable poles as three of the windows are almost 7ft wide (2.1m)  and the other two are nearly 5ft (1.5m) in length. Please note that I had to use a calculator (well actually a spreadsheet) to help me with the translation from feet and inches which I understand to metric which fails me completely lol)

Now this is where it got interesting, B&Q had three long poles but only 1 shorter one so we ordered two more... in the wee hours of this morning my brain was cogitating why I had ordered three shorter poles when we only had two more windows and I am no wiser. Hopefully B&Q will give me a refund on the one which is not required or we may put it to use between the living and dining rooms.

£152.00 later, we have taken them to the storage container where my lack of packing skills meant some of the boxes had collapsed and needed to be restacked. Hopefully the contents will be ok, and have survived my ineptness.

The solicitors are trying to get everything done and ready by Friday this week, subject to the paperwork being returned from the Land Registry so keep your fingers crossed for us. Then we can finally begin to move in, luckily we are in a happy position of being able to take our time but neither one of us wants to hang around either.

Paperwork

I have been buried in paperwork relating to the new abode, and hopefully in the next few days I will be able to announce a more permanent location for Sage exists and I might even provide some pictures of the view from outside.

The wodge, term meaning more than a little amount, of paperwork duly signed and witnessed is winging its way back to my solicitors to process and as they are holding the money left over from the sale at the back of beyond they should be able to speedily move towards completion. Right, well I mean move with all the speed that solictiors can do without risking any untoward mistakes in the contractual terms and obligations which probably means it would take longer than I would like for it all to happen.

My time at the smallholding is nearly over, and I will miss all of the animals, even the chickens and ducks who are tamer and will even fly into where you are prepping the other animals feed and start pecking at the pig nuts in anticipation they will get some goodness out of it. Merlin and Dillon are young shetland stallions, Merlin is far more laid back than Dillon (who needs to learn some manners before he becomes a biter), they need more time spent with them giving them people skills and working full time means I don't have as much time as I would want to except for weekends; both of them like having their winter coats scratched out and will stand quivering in pleasure.

But the one I will miss most is the big sow, answers to big girl and yet is so tame and gentle (well for 18+ stone of pure pork) that she will take weetabix out of your hand. Her biggest problem is that she loves company and will often kick over her water to get some attention and it is a bit of a trek to carry more out to her, hopefully she won't miss us too much once we have gone.

Saturday Satire : The Local Pub

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,

"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

　

How much do I care about the elections?

The answer is not a lot, we will exchange one bunch of procrastinating idiots for another, and nothing major will change in my life except for the instability of the pound against other currencies that will affect a holiday we have planned for later in the year, and may affect the price of petrol and other necessary foodstuffs that in turn are affected.

No doubt whoever takes over, will simply blame the current problems on the previous incumbents of the job. Like the Labour government did when it took over from the Conservatives 11 years ago, but someone should point out to them that if they worked together as a team instead of fighting amongst themselves on party policies that don't really mean anything to anybody else they might not have such a situation to resolve.

It would be nice if instead of blamed being attributed to the past, they could all work together to achieve something good for this country; increasingly I am becoming disillusioned by it all and wonder if the grass is infact greener on the other side of the fence.

Bar the Shouting...(Humour)

One sunny day in May, 2010 an old man approached the 10 Downing Street from the Embankment, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Policeman standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with PM Brown."

The copper looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Brown is no longer PM and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached No 10 and said to the same copper, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown"

The copper again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Brown is no longer PM and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the No 10 and spoke to the very same plod, saying "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."

The copper, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Brown. I've told you already that Mr. Brown is no longer the Prime Minister and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the copper and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Policeman snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

Millstone changes into Stepping Stone

I always viewed the house at Cranfield as a Millstone, as I have mentioned before, well as of about 30 mins ago the finances were all sorted out and the new owner has taken possession of the keys.

Ergo, it has now converted into a Stepping Stone, to a new life, a new house and a something that I have long wanted to be : mortgage free.

It is a relief to have had the phone call to say it was all done and dusted. Now we can concentrate on the paperwork for the new house, which is hopefully arriving this week, once signed we will be on our way to obtaining the keys for Tre Agan.

So still a gypsy, but now a free gypsy as I no longer need to make any mortgage payments, insurance payments and miscellaneous other tied payments related to the mortgage. Free from any other bills other than the ones for necessary living like food etc. Tonight we celebrate our non-house owning status and boy are we two happy people living at the Edge of the World.

Wishing the new owner, joy and happiness for her and her family, I hope she enjoys the peace, tranquility that was the Back of Beyond.

I don't Believe It!!!

I heard last week that Chris Evans was going to be on holiday for the next two weeks. Great I thought, freedom from his inane rantings and ravings and sanity will be granted in the form of Richard Allinson who did such a great job on Chris's last break.

Not so, this morning, even worse to my ears than Chris's drivel was none other than the stupidity of Graham Norton, the same one who does the late shows for the BBC which routinely humiliates not only the audience but also the guests.

Who does the BBC think we are? They could at least have given us the opportunity to vote for who we wanted to have cover the breakfast show, but no they decide for us and badly as well.

Don't know who is in charge of the BBC schedules and planning but Sir/Madam, you need your head examined!

OK rant over, back to more normal programming schedule of inane randomness and listening to Pirate FM in the mornings lol

Did I?

Feel anything at leaving the old family home, well a little its only fair after it being my main base since 1974 (on and off) but to be honest I never felt I could cope with the house, the size of the garden was daunting, and as for cutting the hedging which was over 12 ft high.. I had to leave that to a kind neighbour to help with.

The last time, was just of relief, finally to leave it behind. We had spent 5 solid days packing, cleaning and tidying up.... yes I know everyone says it is stressful, a little but no it was the sheer amount of work we had to pack in giving us 12 hours of work most days ending with a meal and then bed before we began again.

To pull away from it that last day was easy, no backward glances, no regrets just lots of happy memories. I will miss the magnolia tree that was planted in Mum's name in the back garden but it was still in flower when we left and that was good. I can always get another one, I like the dwarf variety, this one grew no more than about 4ft high and I think I would like something similar as Dad liked it too.

I took two shrubs out of the garden, a dwarf lilac which is about 18 inches high and a fuschia that survived my neglectful idea of gardening after Dad died everything else is left behind for the new owner to enjoy including a couple of lovely clematis that grow year after year and provide wonderful colours from early in the year to the late part into Autumn and even Winter.

The new garden isn't that big, but that is good. What it makes up for in size is it's location. Within walking distance of Redruth with far views to the North Coast and the sea at Portreath, while at the back we can see Carn Brae and the wildness. It also doesn't require any work inside, nor any carpets as it is newly decorated and carpeted in beige throughout.

It isn't ours yet, we couldn't quite tie in the purchase with the sale, but we hope it will be soon the solicitors are working on it and in the meantime we are no worse off than before but we can at least plan what we need, and my lustful object isn't too far off, just need to check the pennies first.

We have brought some paint too, for the garage floor. We are painting it red, with the walls cream to make it bright and less slippy for the bikes to get in and out; pictures will follow when we can. We want to do this first so that we can move all the heavy objects over and out of storage and then finally we can call it home.

Saturday Satire : The New Assistant

A chemist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant, who replied, "He came in for cough medicine, but I couldn't find any. I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

"You stupid idiot," said the chemist. "You cannot treat a cough with any sort of laxatives."

"Of course you can," the assistant replied. "Look at him, he daren't cough now."