OFFICIAL ARMY VOICEMAIL MESSAGE
Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units
are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message
with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specifics of
the crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have
sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland, the
Millennium Bug, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and
compulsory Equal Opportunities training we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following:
If your crisis is small and close to the sea, Press 1 for Royal Marines.
If your concern is distant, with tropical climate and good hotels, and
can be solved by 1 or 2 low risk bombing runs, please Press 'hash' for
the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available
after 1630hrs or at the weekend).
If your enquiry concerns a situation that can be resolved by a bit of
grey funnel, bunting flags and a really good marching band, please write
well in advance to 'The First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall'.
If your enquiry is not urgent, Press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.
If you are in real, hot trouble please Press 3 and your call will be routed to Sandline International (mercenary services).
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at,
paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a
condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your
arse off daily, risking life and limb in all weathers and terrain, both
day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms
and conditions of service, the please stay on the line... Your call will
shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a
grotty shop down by the railway station.
Have a pleasant day and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army.