Saturday Satire : A Scottish Romance

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently.
 

Finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?

With many thanks to SB who provided me with this joke

Water, Water everywhere....

Discussions on the radio today on saving water, included the following

1) if is yellow, let is mellow ie. if it is only urine then don't flush after each visit
2) using bath water to flush the toilet
3) using bath/washing up water in the garden
4) installing a dual flushing system

I try and conserve money and water, wherever I can.. but I am not certain about 1) whether it is just me or my need for hygiene

What about you? how do you conserve water and reduce water bills?

Sunshine and Showers

A typical April day, sunshine, showers of rain, hail and thunder... the pond boys get to go out in between a lot of showers.

The loft insulation team arrived today, the loft insulation was about 60mm deep and is now a nice cosy 200mm thanks to the team who offered to do it for the grand sum of zilch.. I know I can't believe it either and I was certain it was a scam but no it is to do with a sum of money the council had to insulate houses and therefore save energy.. however it came about - I thank you.

Some more tidying up and hoovering, the guys having left a bit of a mess and then finishing off a book I was reading MM Kaye - an old one but a good one The Shadow of the Moon, about the uprising in India and is quite insightful as to why and how it came about but written in a novel form.

Dinner tonight is three way chicken, take one chicken, dismember it and curry the legs in Jalfrezi sauce, the breasts shoudl be cut up and together with leeks, wholegrain mustard and a cream sauce and the carcass in a pot with vegetables to create a chicken soup or stock for future use. Five meals one chicken... thrifty and good cooking.

Enjoy your evening

Sunny Sunday

It was lovely and sunny here at the Edge of the World, although there was a cold edge to the wind at times. The garden was sheltered enough to enjoy the sun while the washing blew around on the line to dry beautifully.. now all I have to do is the mound of ironing I have although a good film will see me spin through it.

Yesterday I made oriental salmon, marinated in soya, honey and chilli, then baked in the oven the sauce turns rich and syrupy and served with plain rice makes an interesting and healthy meal. Unfortunately I also baked an apple and blackberry crumble, although I made it tart rather than sweet and had it plain rather than with cream or icecream/custard.

This morning saw me put the last of the rubbish I have sorted out into the dustbin. I am still looking for the watercolour set and paintbrushes I know I had but haven't yet found and I am positive that I didn't dispose of them but as it was three years ago now when I packed up the Back of Beyond I can no longer remember clearly.

I have no regrets about leaving, it wasn't the right place for me and I love living here down in Cornwall despite being so far away from the little family I had, but after Dad died I briefly considered moving to Australia until I worked out the costs involved but this was a happy compromise.

Saturday Satire : Italian Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me..It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my sister's wedding invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom.If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment... then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son....’

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

Red Lentil Jalfrezi

This is so simple to make and so delicious served with Naan bread (which I will learn to make)

Two small red onions chopped roughly
Two teaspoons of Jalfrezi curry paste
50g of red lentils rinsed in cold water
cold water added until lentils cooked (I added this as and when needed, rather like a risotto) and the desired consistency is attained.
Tablespoon of tomato paste

Simply cook the onions in a pan together with a small amount of oil
When cooked, add the curry paste and let the heat bring out the aromas - don't have the pan too hot for this otherwise it will burn and be unpleasant.
add enough water to cover the onions and cook for two minutes before adding the lentils, the tomato paste and more water - stir well and let it simmer gently on the heat. Add more water as the lentils cook until the mixture is at the required consistency. Don't let it dry out too much or add too much water at once.
When it is done, remove from the heat and grill some naan bread on both sides. Serve in a bowl together with the naan bread and a tomato salad.

Serves 2 as a light meal

The deluge

Yesterday was a deluge from beginning to end... but not a complete waste of time as it allowed me to finish decluttering the study/craft room and finally I have space to use my sewing machine.. hurrah. All my craft stuff bar a few items is now all in one room and in two plastic containers one for materials the other for projects - easy peasy.

I, now, no longer have any excuses not to finish those outstanding tasks which I have to date not finished due to time and machine constraints.. so expect updates on the refitting of curtain liners forthwith.

I managed to declutter some 8 bags of rubbish, it was so lucky that the bin men were due to visit yesterday as that made a huge difference to me and meant that once it was gone it was gone forever and could not be retrieved.

Some of the stuff was temporarily put into the spare room, however this is not the long term home for this and it will be sorted and rehomed as soon as possible as guests are booked in to stay and therefore it needs to be done before they arrive.

Other stuff needs to be put into the garage awaiting someone to pick it up, and others to the recycling points and charity shops.. I even went through my remaining books with a hard head and these will be recycled to the book swaps and charities as I have read them but won't be reading them again.

After another afternoon swim with the pond boys, I left them to dry off while I prepared a red lentil jalfrezi which I had with some naan bread.. and it was lovely, hot and spicy just what I needed after a dry dusty day on my knees which today are sore and aching.

I am still looking for something, without much success although I know I packed it I have no idea of where it might be.. but I have one more cupboard to look through and it can only now be in there so that will be what I am looking for next week while I am on holiday.

The garden didn't make too much progress, after the lovely sunny day on Friday when I managed to dig over a yard of the border and remove about a sack of stones I decided to enjoy the sunshine and read a book while the boys had fun running around. My lettuce leaves are now seedlings, and my lavenders have also taken root while I am just waiting for the sweet peas to produce. I love spring and the idea of growing things don't you?

Godolphin House

I will admit to not enjoying my visit yesterday, I was harassed to join the National Trust as soon as I entered and when I said not today I got an intensive sales pitch which was quite aggressive. National Trust shouldn't behave like that in my books, yes encouragement and persuasion but this was more than that.

The house, where it has not yet been 'restored' was lovely, and very atmospheric but the house is used as a holiday home for up to 12 guest at between £1500 and £3000 a week and it is available for letting 3 weeks out of 4 and has a long list of people waiting to stay but the interior has been modernised too much and has lost the historic feel in many of the rooms which is a shame.

They are planning to restore the cider press house, which was out of bounds, currently covered in plastic and one of the guides stated that when they had the money they would restore it.. I would suggest that with the admittance charges of £4.20 just for the garden, and £7.50 as well as the high holiday rentals that money wouldn't be an issue but I am not sure how the restoration would be done.

I came away disappointed, I had looked forward to visiting an ancient manor house with lots of history and while there were a few features in some of the rooms, the overall restoration had too modern a feel and could have been handled more sympathetically in the kitchen/bathrooms particularly. The furniture was all supplied by the National Trust and some of it was more in keeping than the rest but overall I don't feel it had a lot to offer the person who loves history more than houses.

Where I am off to today .....

Happy Easter everyone xx

Saturday Satire : The Gynaecologist's Assistant

A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, He was very interested, so he went in and asked the Clerk for details.
The Clerk pulled up the file and read:

"This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out Of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving Foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub In soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination."

Then she told him "The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Manchester."

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".

She answered, "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is..."

Excellent Paraprosdokians

Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear  bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I like number 14 myself, what's your preference?

Finally

The drum set and guitar have finally gone, releasing the spare room from storage ability and usable for guests. I am going to put Dad's leather chair in there, which was brought down from the loft yesterday and was covered in mould, but leather is good and a good go with saddlesoap will sort the problem out followed by a healthy dosing of leather polish to bring it up to a shine.

I have a futon sofa which turns into a double bed, with some cushions on it. I am debating getting rid of this and putting a double bed in there instead but I kind of like having a room which I can relax in without a tv in it.

My mum's camphor wood chest is in here too, as it is a north facing room and hence it is perfect conditions as no sunshine to lighten the wood. I have a picture somewhere of Mum lying across this chest in Malaya, she was so proud of it.. and I inherited it after they had both died and it was one of the pieces of furniture that was well wrapped before it was transported to the Edge of the World.

The built in wardrobe has my bike gear, and coats in because I have a pine wardrobe containing the quilt and pillows to go with the futon in it and it is then empty for guests. The nice thing is that it has two draws at the bottom and I plan to get a hanging insert akin to draws for inside too.

Plans are afoot for Tre Agan this year, keeping me busy but not too busy that I can't enjoy the sunshine in the garden as I am going to create a border this weekend.